Further Wanderings, Wonderings, and the Usual Underlying Angst

Day 12: Wednesday, April 26

Well golly- now I remember what embarassment feels like.
It isn't my patience that gets in my way. Possibly there is a lack of proper discernment. What even does "getting in my way" mean? Instead of over analysing things I'll just say I was tired. My actions, my activities, my thoughts and feelings brought me past my comfort level. My day 11 commentary is symptomatic of my having become uncomfortable. I am imperfect. I need to remember to take care of myself.

The floor is swept. The laundry is on the line. I am washed and shaven. Tonight I will visit people and enjoy company- human interaction.

If and when I someday come to that hypothetical moment where the energy of life and the organisation of consciousness go away from my body, I wish to feel certain that I have helped more than I have hindered. I'd like to not be a nuisance at all but that isn't realistic.

Well, on into the future. Time to find out what the Sean, of the moment after this one, is like.

Writing, well typing, now on Saturday. Been mostly thinking the past few days as to how to write more clearly with less 'teenage angst' and more frankness and positivity. Or is it my style to write mostly about the internal workings of conciousness. Either way, I think what I'm posting should be worth the reader's effort.

Dinner was good. The strawberries caught my attention. The company held my attention. I hope I didn't talk too much.

Day 13: Thursday, April 27

Went into town again. Made it to the post office before closing. Been wanting to assemble and send a certain package for a while and finally accomplished that. Went to the library, got a library card and borrowed some books: astronomy, GPS navigation and writings about walking outdoors in Minnesota. Then it was off to the little shopping mall for provisios to carry home on my lap.

A box containing drawing stuff and paper model stuff arrived today. I stayed up late working at a drawing, refamiliarising myself with the intentions which had fostered the two-dimensional efforts.

Day 14: Friday, April 28

Rainy day, spent mostly inside reading library books and further sorting travel plans. Continuing with the drawing efforts, I worked on some computer spreadsheets which have to do with the initial motivations for the expression.

House things were further organised and slightly tidied. Mr. and Mrs. antFarmer will be here for the weekend. I hope I don't appear too slovenly to them, well Mrs. especially.

Day 15: Saturday, April 29

Having doubts about this writing thing and my whole lifestyle in general. I need to finish up inside and get to the river.

Truth, Beauty, Goodness... and a Sense of Lacking

Day 11: Tuesday, April 25

Pork loin- not pork chop, the difference I know not yet. I guess the chop wouldn't be as easy to make right.

Friends- plans that friends have (those reading need not wonder if it is you I speak of), letting friends and acquaintances and loved ones and lovers... well gee but not g-whiz, gosh I mean; who is gonna be there looking down that tunnel of light as my brain begins to no longer accept signals from my eyeballs. 'Me' of course. Who else. 'Myself' of course. Actually 'I' will also be there also but that still adds up to "one".

So if I build a raft and try to go to the island I will make sure there is somebody around for safety's sake. But if I am trying to do something 'I' want to do then I should not allow other people's imperfection to disallow my activity.

Today was a full on "off" day. My thumbs were a bit shredded from yesterday's activity. My back and shoulders and upper arms aren't recovering quick enough with daily further work. Today was a full rest day. Computer time, and phone time, and start the fire extra early time. Past projects are further sorted. Future projects are further planned. God willing, I have less patience.

Monday Lovely

Day 10: Monday, April 24

What did I do before 3 PM?
Half washed my laundry
Totally swept the floor
Unrolled and flattened some papers related to a 2-d project
Oh, I ate a bowl of cereal
Plus I did some piddling and puttering, but I don't recall any deliberate procrastination
Then I checked the mail

Which gets us up close to 3 PM.
I'm out at the mailbox around 2:30 or so, expecting to head into town from there. On the south side of me I'm all warm and toasty in the sun. The north side of me though is close to cowering due to the definitely chilly wind that my three shirts and jacket can't keep from affecting my skin. If there were snow on the ground that wind would make sense. But there are tulips blossoming on the antFarm. The buds on the trees have already given way to small and light green leaves. Never in my life have I sensed this particular superlative contrast.

Anyway, still before 3, I went back to the house, dropped off the mail and got two more layers to keep me secure for the trip into town. About two miles down the road a gentleman pulled his car to the side of the road and came across to chat with me. He said he'd seen me on the road a few times. He told me of the tornado season coming in a month or two. He spoke of a rare tornado on a north eastern route that passed his house a few years back. The big thing though was he said it would be in the 20's tonight. I explained I had two more layers in my bag. We shook hands and I continued into town.

I missed the post office but made it to the grocer and the hardware store. I met some more people, listened to some more stories, and learned more about the area. What is art and what is life and what is living. G-whiz- what is rhetoric. And where are all the question marks!

So ultimately the sun and wind and fields were beautiful once again. I got back to the antFarm, ate some sandwiches and started getting a fire built. When I checked the thermometer last time I went to the porch for wood, it actually was in the 20's. Sean, you're not in Philly anymore.

Sunday Post

Day 8: Saturday, April 22

Day number 8, been here more than a week and I still haven't done a month's worth of stuff yet. I guess I did a week's worth though. It appears to mostly be little things: familiarising myself with the area and people and history some; seeing turkey vultures and deer and even a beaver; sorting laundry and belongings and recycling; getting somewhat used to the Apple computer I'm typing on; little adventures to the river nearby and town a few miles off.

It's that getting acquainted period where details are fresh and bright. Gosh but it all makes me feel kind of fresh and bright.

It's actually Sunday when I'm writing this. It isn't all fresh and bright. I was partly in a funk much of yesterday afternoon, thinking about big things such as career, accomplishments, relationships, et cetera. Eventually I got back to basics and gathered 100 bb's to help me count wheelchair pushes. I started pushing my way into town, Red Lake Falls, moving one of the little metal balls from one bag to another for every 100 pushes. There is a pharmacy, grocery store and beer store next to each other at the far side of town. I counted right around 5000 pushes from the antFarm wheelchair ramp to these stores.

Of course I got my typical late start, well not so typical as I knew it would be dark for the entire return trip. I decided to stop off at the local bar & grill, the Spot, to learn about that place and see about the possibility of getting a ride. It was a fun place with Saturday night live music. I had little trouble (well, there was a little) securing safe transport once I started expressing my need to those around me. It turned into a fun night out and eventually I got home and cooked some dinner.

Day 9: Sunday, April 23

10:15 PM, it's the second day of the second week here. I got back to the river this evening after an interminable amount of piddling and fussing and such. Actually I got down there an hour or so earlier than the last two runs. So I started chopping at the next section of the broken over tree. The cut is higher above my head than the last one. I got pretty well into the downhil side of the log but the uphill side is harder to get at. I wound up digging a sort of cut and fill platform to make a stable place to sit the wheelchair but everything is still at an odd angle. I should be able to get the rest of the way through tomorow. Then I'll have two logs to work with.

I'm having my doubts about the whole project: is the wood too dense and heavy; will I be able to maneuver across the river; should I be thinking inner tubes instead; should I be thinking watercolors instead of caveman art- stuff like that.

So I'm trying not to let common sense get too in the way. I'm definitely getting a good work out. I can see my apetite is improving. I like getting down to the river. I like chopping. I enjoy the animals around me. Building a small fire before returning to the house is becoming a ritual.

Now I'm back inside. I need to eat yet. The wash is still in the sink. The wood stove is waiting. All in all things are good. I am making headway. Maybe it's more physical than mental or academic but I am immersing myself in the antFarm. I am learning what it is like for me to be here.

The Best Game in Town

Day 7: Friday, April 21

Hello again. 3:43 PM, mostly odds and ends so far- laundry, coffee, sweeping the mud I tracked in last night, emptying ashes from my favorite household appliance, some food, sorting recycling, unpacking, repacking, getting papier mache supplies readied up- stuff like that.

How come I woke up late?
How come I'm still in the house?
How come life is still just a-okay even though I'm not feeling much mastery over my suroundings?

Focus, right? Narrow it all down and be focussed, ...right?
At least 8 or 9 hours till bed time. I'll tell you how it goes.

Oh right- one thing I want to add about yesterday:
I counted about 4000 wheelchair pushes on the way into town and 4800 on the way back.
The way in I didn't start counting till 20 minutes or so out of the house and stopped just after passing the town border while on the way back I counted door to door.
I'll have to try that experiment again. It sure takes a lot of concentration to not loose track of what ten, hundred, or even thousand is being gone through.

Okay, over and out from the antFarm till after dark.

So it is late again. My shoulders are finally sore. I chopped out a pretty good log from the end of a broken tree. Guess I'll need at least one or two more like that. The upper end of this one was maybe two feet above my head. As I got about 3/4's through it, it occurred to me I had better be real careful I don't wind up underneath it. A bit of thought and a big old branch for a lever did the trick. Then it was almost dark and time to light another fire by the river. Wasn't quite as easy as last time due to yesterday's rain. It came together though- heat and light and all. The trip back up the hill was funny, I couldn't quite get why it was such hard work. It wasn't that big of a deal the other night. Between yesterday's trip into town and sorting out that log, seems I am working myself some.

So now I'm back in the farmhouse. Of course the woodstove's "on button" has been pushed. I did the dishes and cooked some food. The pot should be cooled down by now.

Plus I learned that 640 acres is a square mile. The antFarm is 0.311 of these square miles.

And Again Again

Day 5: Wednesday, April 19

11:22 at night. The highlight of the day was a visit from Glenn's brother Lou. I read about continued fractions on the web. Oh, I tossed the boomerang some with Lou. Now it is getting toward midnight and I'm hoping to go to bed early-- as if midinight or 1AM is early. That will be earlier, earlier than 2:30 anyway. So hopefully I will get up earlier Thursday than the past few mornings. Obviously I'm taking my time here, settling slowly in. I did want to get in to town today as well as get to the river. Neither occurred. I did laundry and let the skin on my hands heal up further. Bit of a funk I guess. Didn't even think to make coffee.

So on the lighter side, it is quite beautiful here. I like the clouds and the browns in the fields. As it got later the sun shone through and illumitated the tin roof on the wood shed and the trees behind it.

Alright- artform stuff, body stuff. Ambition. Milk, cereal, orange juice, coffee.

Day 6: Thursday, April 19

Oh my gosh, day 6 already. Well, I'm up at a reasonable hour today. Coffee, yogurt, newspaper articles, laundry, and a small fire for warmth and recreation- that's the day so far.

Okay, 13or 14 hours later. I ate more breakfast. I better organised my stuff. In the afternoon I made the trip into town- about two hours each way. Ran into a pretty good rain storm on the way in. Three civilians and one sherriff stopped to check on me. One of the civilians was driving a school bus. That caring gentleman actually came back in his pick up truck to check up again. Appears I'm in a nice neighborhood. It is good to think you can count on your neighbors if the need does arise.

So back at the house I'm heating a can of soup on the wood stove. I'd have to start a lot earlier to get to both town and the river. Maybe next time. There surely is a long list of possibilities here at the antFarm. Seems the trick is in the picking and choosing part.

...soup time.

And Again

Day 4: Tuesday, April 18

Today was less simple than yesterday. I swept the floor throughout the house. I did some handwash laundry. I set up meds at the local pharmacy. I started figuring out local public transport. I ate some deer sausage and green beans (and grapes). I did boomerang practice but never made it to the river. There were forcasts for a couple different sorts of bad weather today but of course they never really materealised. I did see a good amount of lightning off to the southeast.

Now it is getting late. I'm hoping to hit the river and do some more of this experimental raft building project early enough to leave me time to get to Thrifty White Drug before 5pm tomorrow. Doing both will allow me to work at artform stuff and also body stuff.

Hidden (in Minesota)

Well, so much for Boulder, CO. Now I'm in Red Lake Falls, MN.

There is an artist's hospice sort of place here- the antFarm.

I'm the initial resident. I have 27 days to go and lots to try and accomplish. We have internet access here at the farm house and I'll be trying to log regular posts as part of my residency.

Below is the first of these:


Alright, this is the Sean O'Neill antFarm artform.


Day 1: Saturday, April 15

Glenn picked me up in Fargo, ND. That is as close as Greyhound could carry me from Boulder, CO.

We went for a beer and sandwich. Then we went to get me new tires and inner tubes for my wheelchair (and a boomerang). Then we got some beer and rye whiskey. Then we went to the grocery store for a few days supplies. Finally we headed back to Red Lake Falls, MN, to the antFarm.

We talked and ate and drank some that night and also had a "conference call" with Lars- another founding member.

Day 2: Sunday, April 16

We were up late so I woke up late (unlike Glenn).

More organising and unpacking and a bit of eating and then the wheelchair ramp into the farm house. The coffee was very good. Glenn had the wheelchair ramp construction well in control so I just did some further unpacking and organising and getting ready for the next month.

Mid afternoon we went to Glenn's folks' house for some of his mother's wonderful Easter dinner left overs. What a pleasant time that was, complete with about 12 members of the extended Schafer clan.

Back to the antFarm and a bit of four wheel touring through the grass and hills- down to the river and also over to the gravel pit (the "grovel pit").

The tail end of day two had Glenn and I working out the idea of lifting a pig farrowing shed 15 or 20 feet into the air and building a hexagonal spiral wheelchair ramp up to it. Late night sausage and green beans, further organising- beds and computers- and finally sleep.

Day 3: Monday, April 17

I got up at a slightly more farmer-like hour, well not really- the sun had been up for quite a while. The first thing I noticed was the big tree outside the window by my bed.

We did some laundry and Glenn made sure we got a clothes line hanging at wheelchair height.

Glenn did some more computer set up and I sort of puttered around, waiting to start my first solo day. Maybe it was a bit past noon when we shook hands and he started the six hours back south by southeast to St. Paul and Minneapolis.

So then it was me. A little personal maintainance, math exercise, boomerang practice, and paint scraping was followed by a look through each of the farm's building structures- graneries, garages, quanset hut, delapidated smithy, and more. I didn't find the hand axe I saw yesterday so I grabbed a double bladed full axe and headed to the river.

I'd been thinking to set up a wheelchair path from the house to the river. Now I'm thinking to build a raft and get across the river and build a camp on the island as well. It is spring and I am wanting to work out and get in shape.

Ultimately I did my first trek to and fro the river. I chopped at a couple fallen trees thinking about raft fabrication. I gathered a bit of dry grass and some branches after twilight. A small fire on the river bank gave me time to collect thoughts regarding the raft project and the path project and the purpose-of-my-being-here project. The headlamp my brother Tim gave me made the trip back up to the house more secure.