I Had a Dream

Was it May 21st, 1991?

I got myself paralyzed 18 or so years ago. Hit the water wrong jumping from too high up. Spent two weeks in intensive care at the Elvis Presley trauma unit. Then I spent like thirteen more at the Baptist Memorial Hospital rehabilitation unit.

Came out pretty clean. Being in a wheelchair really isn't that bad- especially in comparison to the sneezey runny nose I had two weeks ago. Or all the coughing and gagging of the following week. Again, paraplegia isn't really all that bad- but having a proper cold is not for the faint of heart.

Anyway, now that I've acted all tough and such- let's get down to serious matters.

I think it was two nights ago. Or two mornings ago actually. I remember dreams from the morning much more often.

So I got paralyzed 18 years back. Ever since then I've been wondering when I might see a wheelchair in a dream. I've had dreams where I'm kind of lame but walk with a cane or something. I've had dreams where I ride on horseback instead of walking. I've had dreams where I sort of fly around unaffected by gravity.

All these alternative means of transport which show that my inner me knows that something's going on, but never any wheelchair. Heck, sometimes my dreams have me just sitting around and not bothering to get up and do stuff for myself.

Ultimately, I remember waking up in the early morning two days ago and rolling over feeling happy and comfortable. When I thought about why I was happy and comfortable as I settled back to sleeping, I noticed I didn't know and said to me to relax and try to remember.

Then it hit me, not so much hit me but touched me. I hadn't dreamt of seeing the wheelchair but I knew I was using one. It was my bedroom, well my dream bedroom. There was a garden in it with the bed on the far side. There were little trees in little rings of stones with gravel in a sort of Zen garden style. There was a kind of uneven flagstone or cut and broken stone path down the one side.

I pictured myself at the bed end of all this and could readily picture myself having traveled down tho stone path on the side. Then I was at the other side away from the bed looking at the path through the little trees and their containing circles. I was thinking that I was unsure the wheelchair would fit along this path without messing up the circles. And earlier I was thinking about how I had to do wheelies and raise the casters to use the uneven stone path.

Next to my consciousness or subconsciousness or whatever was the realisation that I don't see the wheelchair because I am me and I am sitting in the wheelchair looking at stuff and doing stuff and it's the inviting bed and vital garden which draw my attention.

Kind of watershed. Been wondering for a while when it would happen. I remember though, at the moment I was thinking- why do I feel so happy right now, why am I not complaining to myself about waking up super early and semi-uncomfortable.

Somehow I relaxed the right way to let the memory return and now luckily I have found and taken the time to write it down.

Do Stars Exist?

When was it? A week ago, two weeks ago... I saw the stars- or did the stars see me? They looked right through me. I was moved, very moved. I can still taste it, or something like that- like it was yesterday, or a moment ago or what ever.

I was outside in the early evening rolling around. There were these three stars sort of sticking out. I knew they weren't the handle of the Big Dipper, but then a half hour later I knew they were the handle of the Big Dipper and I could see the pointer stars at the end of the bowl directing toward the North Star. And then I could see the Little Dipper. I don't see the Little Dipper that often and I could clearly remember back a few years to when I learned to recognise it.

Later in the night I was back outside hoping to see some meteors. In the dark I rolled down the driveway toward the road. As I approached I could see a giant inky sky with many chunks of miniature dazzle. And I'm thinking those things are actually bigger than me- bigger than the whole planet I'm standing on. In front of the sky were the trees across the road from our driveway. They were spectacular. I had no idea. A veil before the sky, a wonderful sketch of double darkness framing and supporting the beauty above and beyond.

That's what I'm talkin' about-- that's why I live here, in the woods, miles away from all jobs, with a rusty Ford Escort sucking up the non-existent dollars. Sometimes things are perceived in such a manner that you are comforted by the fact that you are a small part of something much bigger than yourself and simultaneously you are exhilarated to sense the global significance of being part of it all. I didn't say it right- I mean being both smaller and bigger than yourself at once. Anyway, there I was drinking in the sky and it sounded just perfect. Plus the meteors smelled like ice.

And then Liz lent me her glasses. I just got my eyes checked and bought new glasses, but hers beat the heck out of mine. (I gotta have somebody check this prose, I don't know, is it lame or okay?) So her specks throw a good 'nother round or two of clarity on the sky which is already personal and meaningful and solemn. How come my glasses don't work this good? Orion's Bow is so there. So many stars. I'm part of this. I'm crying. I'm small and I'm big all at once.