Left Turns and Cross Traffic

June 2, 1:06 AM

Selected the above title while back seating on the way to the Perkiomen Creek area last Sunday. The last bits of ball point ink are just fading from my left palm today, well yesterday at this point.

So the next post (this one) is supposed to be about going up Mount Washington's Autoroad.

I learned the phrase "I'm of two minds" or is it "I'm in two minds" well I guess it would be "two minds are in me" before it could ever be "I'm in two minds" so it must have been "I'm of two minds". Anyway I learned this phrase in the UK. It means you are pulled in different directions, trying to figure which fork to take.

Another phrase I learned in England: "I'm not bothered". This one is good. On the outside it looks like a person is stating that they are flexible and not concerned with choosing between options. On the inside though, what it really means is that the individual using the expression is actually so bothered that decision is futile.

Anyway, I'm of 2.7 minds and I am bothered.

Vijay made it to the two mile marker. I went past the five mile marker. I got a bit bothered and called it for the day. We had excellent suport from Jean Lee. She is a North Conway local, a bicyclist, and a stay at home mom- or mum as they say in the UK. Now Vijay knows the road is challenging. Now Sean knows he didn't see the snow he was hoping to see. Now Jean knows what it is like to be near the treeline on the Autoroad with zero traffic.

Overall it couldn't have been better. Now to take a moment and step away from existential truisms: The day we went up the Autoroad was the first sunny day that that area had seen in a month. Having the sun ride with us on our trip up the Autoroad gave me a feeling of priviledge and specialness.

The road is still there. I am of 2.84 minds now and yes, I'm still bothered. Vijay will be doing handcycling in Colorado on less steep roads next. I will be going back to North Conway in a few weeks. Jean will be going to the woods.

More later then?

Love My Dogs

So now I'm back home in East Lansdowne. The neighbor's dogs bark incessantly when ever they see someone within 20 yards of their yard. That means when ever I go outside onto the wheelchair ramp they start barking. And that means that making a phonecall in semi-privacy involves a good bit of background noise.

The bus trip on Saturday from North Conway, NH, to Philadelphia, PA, was fairly uneventful once the bus had gotten out of North Conway.

The meeting on Friday evening with Cliff Cabral for dinner at the Moat in North Conway was pleasant. The Cajun Blackened Catfish was awesome. I remember why I always got it when I was in North Conway last August.

The trip on Thursday up the Autoroad was less than awesome. I wound up getting disinterested at about 5.5 miles. Actually [more to write but putting this much online now].

At the moment, after getting back from some proper introspection time at the local introspection shelter- I love my dogs.

What are my dogs? My dogs would have to be my hands. I don't use my feet and my hands are pretty much callused up real good from loads of wheel pushing. Partly I discontinued the push up the Autoroad to keep my hands handy. They were getting sore and I thought it wise to not let them get too sore.

Again, I love my dogs.

What are my dogs? My dogs are the many thoughts I hold which motivate me to allow interpersonal experience to dog me, slow me down, act in ways which some call disfunctional and/or codependant. I think it best to keep my dogs and attend to my dogs. The big thing here is to realise whether a dog belongs to me or my neighbor.

Now if a dog belongs to my neighbor and not to me, it seems I want to try harder to address the fact that it bothers me when the neighbor's dogs bark incessantly and thereby stifle my behavior in some small to medium to at times very large way.

What the Heart's Denied

Since last posting, the following days have gone both from the future and the present and are now residing in the past.
[ Saturday, May 20 2006
[ Sunday, May 21 2006
[ Monday, May 22 2006
[ Tuesday, May 23 2006
[ Wednesday, May 24 2006
[ Thursday, May 25 2006

The following date has moved from the future to the present. To my knowledge, at the present time this date has not yet entered the realm of things past.
[ Friday, May 26 2006

Vijay Viswanathan showed in North Conway Friday evening. I had a very enjoyable wheelchair pushing workout that evening. It's highlight was a mad grunting and going for it during the last fith or so of the distance covered.

I discovered chocolate milk as a muscle recovery beverage after this workout. I figure a quart has to have a fair amount both of sugar and protein.

Saturday was assemble Vijay's handcycle day. Vijay is a paraplegic. He brought a hand powered recumbent three wheeler for his "miling". We covered a good amount of distance, maybe eight miles, just doing errands and shopping and such.

Hmm, Sunday- Sunday had us covering more miles, this time without too many errands or too much shopping to get in the way. A good distance on the flats was followed by a prpoer trip up the hill which leads to the top of Cathedral Ledge. It is about a mile in length and it was about at the limit of Vijay's front wheel drive hand cycle. We did make it all the way up. It did rain through the entire workout.

Monday we left the Schoolhouse Motel in North Conway and went to Appalchian Mountain Club lodging in Pinkham Notch. This lodging left us only a short distance from the Mount Washington Autoroad. The kindness of a local woman, Mrs. Jean Lee, became very instrumental on this day. She carried us and our gear from the North Conway motel to the AMC Joe Dodge Lodge, 15 miles north, into the heart of the Presidential Mountain Range. Dinner at the AMC was satisfying socially as well as nutritionally. We made useful connections, shared loads of fun stories, and stretched the belly just about the perfect amount.

Okay, Tuesday- Wednesday saw "Team Us" come into full bloom. I think Team Us is basically me and whomever else gets wrapped up in these crazy wheelchair projects. Well... Team Us is me and Vijay and whom ever facilitates our effort to get up Mount Washington. Pete rode his bicycle from the AMC the few miles over to the Autoroad and back. We went there to show the road to Vijay, see how his handcycle handled the incline, and make introductions. The highlight was on the reurn to the AMC. The Autoroad manager, Howie Weemys, happened to be returning from a shopping excursion with his wife and pulled over on the highway to say hello. And all the while we looked like we were in the midst of working out. Points were scored.

Wednesay was general rest day and move gear to the yurt at the base of Mount Washington day and eat corn roasted on the outdoor fire day and eat macaroni and cheese heated on the indoor fire day.

Enough said for the moment. There is pizza waiting for me in the next room and I am pressured by the existance of other people in the universe and I am thankful to people and I am of two minds and I get uptight over nothing and everything is fine and I'm gonna write about the road-climb in a separate entry and I hope this present entry does not sound too rushed or lacking in sensitivity or barren of a proper amount of HiddenSomewhere introspection.

Juggling and Biting and Reflecting

So I took a bus from Saint Paul, MN, to North Conway, NH.

I didn't know what to expect from 48 hours of travel by Greyhound. It turned out to be a bit surreal but not too unpleasant. For most of the trip I was allowed the front row passenger side seat all to myself. This allowed me to lay on my side if I tried to sleep. I didn't want to worry about pressure sore risk from sitting uprightbut staying still. One evening was bad with a man next to me and things quite cramped, but I was able to take it in stride. It sure is a nice part of getting older that I am more able to get less upset and look past inconveniences and perceived unfairness. Of course at the same time I wind up worrying that I don't defend myself well enough at times. Big juggling act I guess. Ultimately though, less anger and less worry is good.

The sleep deprivation was interesting. The journey sort of took on an epic and romantic quality. The passing of different sorts of terrain, the notice of different sorts of human settlement, the appreciation of different sorts of people in different places. I think I'll have to try it again.

The evening after arriving in North Conway saw my first training exercise: Hurricane Mountain Road. I looked in the warm sun from the base and saw the top shrouded in cloud. Wow, I thought, the desire to reach up and touch a cloud. Here was my chance to do just that. The road was steep and in places quite challenging. At only two miles of the really hard stuff, it wasn't all that bad, but there were places where I had to suspend judgement and concentrate on just the present single push. It worked and I made it into a beautiful fog at the crest of the hill. The dampness, the eeerie quality, the trees and the leaves on the forest floor and the quite. It was like having bread pudding for dessert- except that I was sat at the top eating trail mix and not warm pudding- but the trail mix did have chocolate chips in it- and I was definitely noticing every one I bit down upon.

Well, the typical not much time, gotta go get onto the other things I'd hope to already be doing hours ago. Reflection is such a luxury at moments.

Work in Progress

This is the final entry related to a month long stay in northern Minnesota at the antFarm.
I am writing from Saint Paulthis morning; preparing to board a Greyhound bus today and travel to North Conway, New Hampshire.

Day 27: Thursday, May 11

Hmm, Lars and Linda are coming in tonight. Gotta get this drawing done. Was actually hoping to do another as well. A composition change will allow me to place the drawing in the "done pile" this afternoon.

My tendonitis problem is receding nicely with ice, ibuprofen and rest.

The big issue today and the past few days is developing flexibility to allow for changes in a relationship of the past six months.

Day 28: Friday, May 12

Down to the river I go, with Lars and Glenn. Today we use Glenn's pick-up truck to speed the processs. It turns out that Lars' critique of my raft building project is very similar to Glenn's previous critique. On the one hand the work could be considered powerful since a similar response was elicited from two individuals.On the other hand though, the raft building project can be considered a loss and my "don't let common sense get in the way" philosophy could be considered an obstacle since both observers saw the work as overly nihilistic and otherwise without value.

Not a problem. Life is still life and time is still time. I am excited to feel myself wanting to get at that last sheet with some ballpoint pens and another long division.

Day 29: Saturday, May 13

Saturday morning I woke up after having dreamt about a ball point pen running out of ink. On the one hand maybe my numebr drawings are fruitless. On the other hand it is possible that the inkles pen is speaking of a different part of my life entirely. It always gives me increased confidence to remember images of my artwork appearing in my dreams.

Toight is big-fire night. Lars and Glenn have been doing some yard work while I sit working at a next long division: 1/179.

Tonight is scratch-your-eye-with-a-stick night. Appears I got a bit overexuberant picking up kindling and now I'm considering the posibility of a parrot to compliment the one-eye look.

Tonight is hold-steak-in-your-two-hands-and-bite-at-it night. Gosh but I'm hungry by the time wwe pull the meat off the fire. There are roast pepers and potatoes comong soon.

Day 30: Sunday, May 14

Today is wonder-how-badly- you-injured-your-eyeballday. We put gause over it and let it just rest. A bit of rinsing, a bit of visine, and a small to medium size pile of worry: our chosen method of care.

It is burn-the-rest-of-the-bee-boxes day. Glenn and Linda mave set up bee hives. Theye are getting into bee keepiing. There were old half rotten hive parts which Glenn decided would be best burnt so that the new bees aren't put at any sort of risk of old bee box sickness. Lars and I were happy to sit mostly quiet on a mild Sunday afternoon and sort the fire. The coals were still going strong from last night.

And finally today is get-your-head-together-because-you're-leaving-tomorrow day...

Day 31: Monday, May 15

Linda went back to Saint Paul yesterday evening. This morning Glenn and Lars and I drive from Red Lake Falls to the Minneapolis/St.Paul airport for Lars' flight.

I keep my eyes shut most fo the drive down to keep healing that scratch.

We get back early and so go to the Mall of America, the biggest mall in the country. I am hoping to complete an Apple computer purchase which I'd attempted online a week ago. Low and behold- my bank card will not give the required amount of cash- I'd have to purchase the computer over the course of a few days. I did purchase a cell phone and calling plan of my very own-- and get to the eye doctor-- and buy a little eye dropper thing full of medicine that cost as much as the phone-- which would have been free if I were willing to go a two year plan instead of one.
----------------------------------------------------
So finally, this is all a pile of fractures at the moment--- Lars got to the airport and Glenn got back home, though with Sean in tow.

Another good dinner. Excellent company and conversation. Some time spent trying to speak seriously about the antFarm's future and how Sean might fit.
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Day 32: Tuesday, May 16

I am sat revising the entry I posted last night. I've had coffee. My belly is almost ready for a banana. I need to repack and prepare to sit on a bus for two day. On Thursday I will be back in North Conway. About a year ago I started pushing my wheelchair up steps and up steep hills in preparation for an initial go at the Mount washington Autoroad. Thursday I meet up with another wheeelchair user- Vijay Viswanathan- and preparee to try the road again.

This whole blog thing started as I was readying last July to train for a second go at the Autoroad. The blog is active. I am definitely not as fit as I was at the end of August. A month from now I should have new computer and camera and printer/scanner equipment. That will enhance the style of expression which I have been developing. It will be part of what I do as an antFarmer.

So the entire antFarm thing is a Work in Progress.
We will do more.

The Good Life

Day 24: Monday, May 8
Glenn took us to his folks’ place for lunch/supper. Seven seated at table. Mrs. Schafer remarked that the kitchen temperature was slightly cool because the buns were taking their time rising.

We went to the main garage/barn/work-space with the new bearings I’d ordered and he made quick work of replacing those into my wheelchair’s caster housings.

We traveled on in his pickup truck to town. My wrist has acted up again and I’m trying to play the whole rest, ice and ibuprofen game. I finally got out a package I’ve been trying to send for quite some time- turns out I misaddressed it and cost extra time time. Then we dropped off the recycling. Then bought beer.

I worked further on the number drawing I’d started. I changed my path some to speed completion. I’m thinking about time growing short now.

Day 25: Tuesday, May 9

Blow-out day. End-of-insecurity-and-confusion-and-sitting-on-a-certain-painful-type-of-wondering-day. Things-can-start-getting-better-now-day. It’s-time-to-get-your-self-better-sorted-and-try-not-to-make-these-mistakes-again day. I-will-commit-more-firmly-to-the-antFarm-instead-of-kidding-myself-back-in-Boulder day!

Day 26: Wednesday, May 10

Okay, so I relish in self pity and enjoy being hurt. Is that a crime? I’ve got a lot on my mind and I’m not gonna bore you too badly with it- another noncrime.

The number drawing has sat while I’ve been busy getting done doing all the things I’ve been getting done doing the past two days. That’s the biggest crime so far listed. I will come back here in June. I won’t have a timeline. Maybe, hopefully I will be more at ease with my feelings and push the paper mache` and number drawing stuff without the baggage of having tried to, having made the effort to, having .... I am so sore inside in certain ways. There is this hand drawing stuff too. It all has this certain baggage attached to it from having started it all then having put it down when I didn’t want to.

Stop-feeling-pity-for-your-self-real-soon-please day!

Lars Kremer and Linda Schafer show up tomorrow afternoon. There will be all of us here at the antFarm.

I’ve sorted out that after I leave here soon, I will come back again soon and do more stuff. At this time, at this moment, this is what success is.

Needles and Threads

Day 23: Sunday, May 7

---------------------------------

why questions but not answers

why blunders, why mistakes, why failure, why pain, why hardship

to not be is to be acutely so

to be less than is to approach truth

to be lost in the black swamp of doubt and despair is to fully be at ease on the bright hard rock of confidence and clarity

excellence through mediocrity, the whole entire thing through its many infinitesimal parts

this is madness but weakness is strength

I don’t believe in stopping

I don’t believe in accepting

some how for it to be involuntary

feeling compelled toward the counterintuitive

I believe the unnatural to be the highest form of human nature

---------------------------------

Today included the usual soul searching and introspection. I made an effort to note some of it.

Today included a brief glimpse of a bald eagle.

Today I iced my right wrist twice.

Today I sat many hours at the table working on a number drawing. The Minnesota classical radio station in the background was soothing. I read further from a book of essays by a Minnesota naturalist. That was comforting also.

Now it is very late and I ought to lie down.

Still Here, Still Trying

Day 19: Wednesday, May 3

Angries in? Passive Agression?? Self Help???

No, that was the tail end of the night. Elsewise, the day was… no, including that the day was great, well normal- most days are great.

So I got lucky and up early. Made this freaky hand drawing. Need to work more along that line: work the edges and check the space kind of thing. Kind of shamanistic Alaskan Indian or something. I felt, early in the day, like I was getting in touch with my psychic (psychotic?) side. Well, I know I’m not Edgar Allen Poe but it felt real in the sense of really being here, really being here now.

Then I managed to put hours in down by the river. The last cut, which was almost through, wound up breaking all the way through. The log had fallen away from the tree. A large piece above where I was chopping fell onto the platform I had dug out. Seems my judgement was right to not finish during the last session. That big cracked and split two thirds thick part of a seven foot section of tree fell during a rain storm instead of falling on me. And I didn’t have to work at getting all the pieces to the ground – they were down when I returned.

A nice length of branch was available within sight. I went and got it for use as a lever. I got another piece and chopped it in half for pivoting off of. The next three hours were moving wood toward the river. The two chopped logs, the two halves of the section directly above the break, and a pile of tinder and kindling and sizeable pieces for the next fire.

It was good work. Actually got some cardiovascular, panting and grunting and all. I took some pictures along the way and got back inside before dark and wondered what to do next. Telephone to the rescue, call friends and let the night progress. Did some work online looking about personal stuff, like last night, then finally went to bed late.

Day 20: Thursday, May 4

But still I woke up early, earliest in the history of the antFarm that a resident both woke up and stayed up. Now it was the day after the gluttonous extravaganza of log making and pushing. Now I needed to stay low and let the body recover. My tendon trouble wasn’t so bad as I’d taped it well before funning around yesterday. But today I need to get more cloth tape and anti-inflammatory Ibuprofen and groceries and essentials.

I’m washed, shaved, and dressed in my good shoes and button shirt before 10:30 (with loads of sorting accomplished along the way). Good bye red Lake Falls, it’s off to Thief River falls… better selection and all, plus, that’s where the driver was headed.

So Glenn’s brother Lou took me with him on errands and I had a civilised day. The hghlight was "pizza buffet" at Danny’s. Pretty good actually, I even ate a lot.

Then on the way back, Lou explained to me bits about soil erosion and tillage and drove me around the back side of a few roads I might not have seen with only wheelchair pushing for quite some time. Plus my eyes were more that 4 feet off the ground, in the pick-up and all, so I had a much better look at the fields and surroundings than I have had since Mr. antFarmer Glenn left me here 18 days ago.

Now it’s late and I’m gonna get some more wood then settle.

Day 21: Friday, May 5

Yesterday, Friday, I got up way too early and sat drinking coffee planning to run into town to hit the post office. I eventually decided it better to take a nap. The internet connection wasn’t working well at all, so I sat trying to get the dial-up to go through. As the day progressed I started making further plans regarding the upcoming New Hampshire trip and sat on the phone. This led to me calling parents and siblings because I will be going to see family after the Mount Washington Autoroad ascent. These phone calls went on for hours. I think I miss my family and also I imagine I get lonelier here than I actually realise.

Day 21, the end of the third week here, marked the return of Mr. AntFarmer, Glenn Schafer. Glenn showed at 11 PM, just as I was getting done phoning my youngest brother.

Day 22: Saturday, May 6

Today is the start of the fourth and final week. I’m a bit sore and a bit confused about leaving. I’m just starting to get into a rhythm and get things accomplished. Glenn will be here all week. Fellow founder Lars will be here at the weekend. I intend to leave Red Lake Falls on Monday and start my way to New Hampshire.

I started a new number drawing last night. Glenn and I went to the river after buckwheat pancakes this morning so I could show him my raft project. We brought a tent and a canvas tarp with us. We took some pictures setting the tarp up in different ways. Today Glenn pointed out a bald eagle in the sky. He said on my first weekend here that he had seen one in the morning. I’ve been waiting since then to write in the web log that I had seen one. The bird is large with graceful lines. The white head and tail are quite distinctive. I think I saw one at the Philadelphia Zoo as a child. Of course I’ve seen them in books and such. But here was one above me in the sky. I was excited.

Tuesday, Bluesday

Day 18: Tuesday, May 2

DeQuervain's Tenosynovitis, inflamation of the tendon on the thumb side of the wrist. I didn’t realise that I was putting that much stress on my right arm. Or is it that I didn’t realise that I am a bunch more than 20 years old, twice that. Anyway, it’ll heal (hopefully)- ice, ibuprofen, splinting, rest. I tried rest today.

Further planning for the New Hampshire trip coming up in about two weeks. I now have transport and two days’ lodging squared away.

And then finally for the day 18 entry, writing by somebody else:

Be authentic with others and learn to state your feelings and your needs firmly.

Learn to handle confrontation and deal with other people’s anger.

Decide what you expect and state your minimum standard of behavior that you consider to be decent treatment from others.

Stop feeling sorry for other people and giving them advice, money or support.

Give up the need to be right and feel self righteous and superior to others.

When others overwhelm you with their problems, tell them you are not qualified to deal with such deep issues and suggest they get professional help.

http://www.angriesout.com/grown20.htm

Saga of the Epic Hero... short version

Day 15: Saturday, April 29

Having doubts about this writing thing and my whole lifestyle in general. I need to finish up inside and get to the river.

(writing Monday night/Tuesday morning)
On the contrary from getting to the river, it turns out I needed tp keep picking away at things inside the house and get myself comfortable with the idea of Glenn and his wife, Linda, showing up here. I feel such a debt for all the goodness I’ve had by being here. I just wanted to make certain I had done my part to make them feel comfortable.

Then they showed. Linda and I did some boomerang practice. I landed it pretty close to me a few times and actually touched the thing in the air once. Maybe I have developed a slight bit of boomeranging skill. The three of us did some eating, and some drinking, and lots of talking on a number of subjects. We listened to disco. We listened to Coltrain and Bach. I’m certain that I am not skillful enough at whiskey drinking,

Day 16: Sunday, April 30

So here’s where my lack of skill, well actually good judgement, regarding whiskey drinking showed through. The antFarmers went to the Schafer colony for the Schafer antQueen’s birthday. I laid low till past noon and then read National Geographic till past 6. Then I read online National Geographic and a bunch of other neat and interesting online stuff till well into the morning.

Day 17: Monday, May 1

Hmmm, so this is today, huh…?

I feel good. I feel like it is all okay. My right wrist is screaming "Tendonitis!" from the thumb side of its mouth. I made it into town and back. I made it to the river and back. I cooked myself some food after getting back from town. I finished chopping out that second raft log from the downed tree. I built a fire in the rain with wood that has been getting rained on for four days. That took some determination and artfulness.

So back on Friday I wanted to head away from town an equal distance to go to Hewlet Park. I allowed the rain to help me excuse myself from that exercise. Saturday I wanted to go to the river and leave the house a bit more casual than I ended up doing. I allowed the rain to help me excuse myself from excusing myself from that exercise. I allowed the cleaning to help me excuse myself from the river. Sunday I didn’t really even require an excuse, but the rain worked fine for just in case I might need one later. Finally, Monday I put on my rain gear and went both to town and to the river. The funny part is that a downpour started and wet all my newspaper and already damp kindling just as I was picking up my bag to get some matches out to light the fire.

I don’t know if I’ve ever in my life put so much attention into lighting a fire. I did finally get it. And oh yeah, I was right. It is really hard to get back up the path from the river when the ground is good and soggy.

Every now and then a day is close to perfect and I just feel gratefulness and contentment.