Quixotic Ideology

I think maybe I am just another freak in a world where everybody but me is actually normal and not freakish. You know, as if these are two different things- normalcy and freakishness.

And furthermore, I am no longer haunted by feelings of being right or correct or brave. I am starting to realise my cowardice. It shows itself as avoidance. There is avoidance of confrontation and avoidance of finality and avoidance of frustration and avoidance of not getting as far as I would like to get if I did try and push harder at the things I am not quite managing to really push hard enough at. These are all the same though, basically. Basically I am afraid of being real, being less than what I delusionally/deludedly imagine I could be.

Really though, what else could I be beside real? I am really honestly here typing this. Even if it is done half heartedly, or in bad faith or what ever, it is what I am doing, and I'm doing it now. I'm starting to think that the text should run back and forth, instead of always going in the same direction. Does that make me freakish? I mean the eye is already at the right side of the page... why not start reading from that side at the next line? But so is it normal to think like that? I do get a little worried that actually creating text like this might put me in a separate category from "normal" ... because doing so sounds like a good idea to me.

Like maybe it would be heroic to make a text editor that ran back and forth from either side of the page. Like maybe it would be a grand social experiment in making human life better, more comfortable- like learning to use fire and nuclear energy and stuff. But maybe actually making that text editor would be a sign of insanity. Now I'm thinking such software would be Quixotic Ideology at it's best. Rolling my wheelchair-bahh .... I need to become a proper software engineer.