Hidden (Somewhere)

What Are You Talking About????

2010-11-05T04:26:00.002-04:00

It is 4:30 am. The wood stove has gone cold but I think the room temp is still close to 50. I want to write.

Outside the water drips thick off the back end of the drain spout
The water drips misty in the air beyond the little trough below the eave
It is green and dark brown and dark brown and green
Out there
I can hear the water lightly on the roof right now

I don't know how to write.

The sound picks up some but it is still far away, the rain is only light.

Wheelchair

2010-08-08T06:52:00.001-04:00

Once I was walking barefoot toward a bridge and a bee stung me on the foot. I had cleatless bicycle shoes in my hand figuring they'd be good to have on my feet in case I had to run from the police when I go out of the water.

One night I got dropped off by a co-worker at the bus stop, amongst it's snow banks, after my first day on the job. Bus pulls up. I drop down off the curb. Bus driver not only says I can't board the bus because he doesn't have a lift, but also that he can't move the bus until I move my wheelchair... and I'm stuck between the curb and the bus door.

One morning I left Arnott's Lodge and rolled down the road and into Hilo Bay. I wanted to be sure that I started at sea level before pushing my chair to the top of Mauna Kea- 47 miles of road and 2 and 2/3's miles of height away.

Not one or once, but many and much times, and time, I have started writing this odd storey down, thinking it would be interesting and maybe I could make something of this large pile of esoteric effort.

Nearly two decades ago I hurt myself badly by taking a miscalculated risk. I thought about my family, accepted the hardship, and swam toward shore. Today I am simply here. I still reach outward but more and more this outward is stability and consistency. Maybe what I seek is humility and grace and some special kind of strength that I imagine most everybody else already has in abundance.

The Thing That jellifies My Nut

2010-07-10T23:26:00.004-04:00

I keep trying to give up giving up- but once you've started you can not continue.

The futility of the feedback loop known as paradox, the orubustical snake who eats its tail for sustenance- eternally- this at once exalts and stupefies me. I don't want to look away; I can not anyway.

I am not writing further now. I will spend my time eating a cheesey rice glop burrito and cherry tomatoes. I will watch something on netflix with stuff blowing up and settle myself. ...but not dogs or horses getting blown up.............

The Making of My World

2010-03-04T15:11:00.003-05:00

My body is breaking down

Mistakes are here to haunt me

I clutch at this cliche

Alliteration is all that I am

But what meaning is there in this

What is it that I have

- to say

- to share

- to give to the world

Little bits

Little pebbles

Little pieces

How many pebbles do you have to put

Inside a vast and empty mind

Before they draw and crush together

To form a giant orb

Swiss Tunnel

2010-01-25T00:48:00.004-05:00

Outside it is raining. The temperature is probably 32 right now. Tomorrow it's supposed to be more than 40 and keep raining.

We have begun to pack the snow establishing a track around the field. Just a few laps the other day. But six more today. By me in the sitski with extra big baskets on the poles. And Lizzie on the stand up skis. And Missy the dog making sure the path is not too even. So now we have the beginnings of a super-good cross country skiing velodrome.

But it is raining.

But it will get cold again. IF we ski tomorrow and the next day, no matter how slushy: it will freeze again. IF we keep good tracks going, then we can ski on ice! A loop of ice; a path of speeding up; a particle accelerator; a teeny CERN machine!!

The French have a little Statue of Liberty. Why shouldn't the people of Brownfield in the State of Maine have a mini particle accelerator?

Untitled

2010-01-12T23:15:00.002-05:00

Orion has arisen.

He is hunting stuff on the right hand side of the sky.

I don't know where his dog Serious is.

The digging away of the snow on the path to the firepit is coming along nicely. The igloo thing over the benches is still mostly just a concept, although the snow pile behind the benches is piled at least 10 inches higher that them and I am mentally preparing to procure the dishpan from which the future igloo bricks will be fashioned.

The 1 cup of lentil beans and the 1 cup of black eyed peas are soaking. After I post this I will get the chisel which Liz used to work her carpentry magic on the new soap and detergent and acoutrement shelving bench thing and I will use it to break the frozen ground moose meat package in half. Then I can keep 1 half frozen and ready the other half for the glop-fest. It is gonna be pretty good and I am psyched.

Just need to get some more chard or other appropriate green. Been eating a good amount of garlic. Frozen peas all set to go with the bacon in the frigerator and a sweet potato from the table between the fridge and the stove for eating stuff tonight.

Plus the fire is going and I think my feet are warm enough and Orion is King Champeen and I'm gonna go do domestic cooking stuff in the kitchen.

I Had a Dream

2009-12-12T20:58:00.003-05:00

Was it May 21st, 1991?

I got myself paralyzed 18 or so years ago. Hit the water wrong jumping from too high up. Spent two weeks in intensive care at the Elvis Presley trauma unit. Then I spent like thirteen more at the Baptist Memorial Hospital rehabilitation unit.

Came out pretty clean. Being in a wheelchair really isn't that bad- especially in comparison to the sneezey runny nose I had two weeks ago. Or all the coughing and gagging of the following week. Again, paraplegia isn't really all that bad- but having a proper cold is not for the faint of heart.

Anyway, now that I've acted all tough and such- let's get down to serious matters.

I think it was two nights ago. Or two mornings ago actually. I remember dreams from the morning much more often.

So I got paralyzed 18 years back. Ever since then I've been wondering when I might see a wheelchair in a dream. I've had dreams where I'm kind of lame but walk with a cane or something. I've had dreams where I ride on horseback instead of walking. I've had dreams where I sort of fly around unaffected by gravity.

All these alternative means of transport which show that my inner me knows that something's going on, but never any wheelchair. Heck, sometimes my dreams have me just sitting around and not bothering to get up and do stuff for myself.

Ultimately, I remember waking up in the early morning two days ago and rolling over feeling happy and comfortable. When I thought about why I was happy and comfortable as I settled back to sleeping, I noticed I didn't know and said to me to relax and try to remember.

Then it hit me, not so much hit me but touched me. I hadn't dreamt of seeing the wheelchair but I knew I was using one. It was my bedroom, well my dream bedroom. There was a garden in it with the bed on the far side. There were little trees in little rings of stones with gravel in a sort of Zen garden style. There was a kind of uneven flagstone or cut and broken stone path down the one side.

I pictured myself at the bed end of all this and could readily picture myself having traveled down tho stone path on the side. Then I was at the other side away from the bed looking at the path through the little trees and their containing circles. I was thinking that I was unsure the wheelchair would fit along this path without messing up the circles. And earlier I was thinking about how I had to do wheelies and raise the casters to use the uneven stone path.

Next to my consciousness or subconsciousness or whatever was the realisation that I don't see the wheelchair because I am me and I am sitting in the wheelchair looking at stuff and doing stuff and it's the inviting bed and vital garden which draw my attention.

Kind of watershed. Been wondering for a while when it would happen. I remember though, at the moment I was thinking- why do I feel so happy right now, why am I not complaining to myself about waking up super early and semi-uncomfortable.

Somehow I relaxed the right way to let the memory return and now luckily I have found and taken the time to write it down.

Do Stars Exist?

2009-12-04T20:13:00.002-05:00

When was it? A week ago, two weeks ago... I saw the stars- or did the stars see me? They looked right through me. I was moved, very moved. I can still taste it, or something like that- like it was yesterday, or a moment ago or what ever.

I was outside in the early evening rolling around. There were these three stars sort of sticking out. I knew they weren't the handle of the Big Dipper, but then a half hour later I knew they were the handle of the Big Dipper and I could see the pointer stars at the end of the bowl directing toward the North Star. And then I could see the Little Dipper. I don't see the Little Dipper that often and I could clearly remember back a few years to when I learned to recognise it.

Later in the night I was back outside hoping to see some meteors. In the dark I rolled down the driveway toward the road. As I approached I could see a giant inky sky with many chunks of miniature dazzle. And I'm thinking those things are actually bigger than me- bigger than the whole planet I'm standing on. In front of the sky were the trees across the road from our driveway. They were spectacular. I had no idea. A veil before the sky, a wonderful sketch of double darkness framing and supporting the beauty above and beyond.

That's what I'm talkin' about-- that's why I live here, in the woods, miles away from all jobs, with a rusty Ford Escort sucking up the non-existent dollars. Sometimes things are perceived in such a manner that you are comforted by the fact that you are a small part of something much bigger than yourself and simultaneously you are exhilarated to sense the global significance of being part of it all. I didn't say it right- I mean being both smaller and bigger than yourself at once. Anyway, there I was drinking in the sky and it sounded just perfect. Plus the meteors smelled like ice.

And then Liz lent me her glasses. I just got my eyes checked and bought new glasses, but hers beat the heck out of mine. (I gotta have somebody check this prose, I don't know, is it lame or okay?) So her specks throw a good 'nother round or two of clarity on the sky which is already personal and meaningful and solemn. How come my glasses don't work this good? Orion's Bow is so there. So many stars. I'm part of this. I'm crying. I'm small and I'm big all at once.

Gratitude

2009-11-12T18:02:00.003-05:00

When you've got so much to say it's called gratitude.

Well that was the Beastie Boys, years ago. I've always thought the idea is super true. What is prayer? What is existence? How is it that I am here typing and not only thinking that I exist but thinking probably you do also???

So for starters a chicken evacuated chicken feces from its chicken buttocks onto my human being head a half hour ago. Not a big deal, right? We've had the chickens roosting in the front porch rafters for years. I'm bound to catch some chicken poo from time to time. And yeah, gee, I have. But it's mostly the firm sort that bounces off and you cleverly smile to yourself, thinking about your unspoken invincible nature.

Tonight the poo hit me well enough that some fell behind my glasses. Of course I was exhilarated and feeling blessed and all, but the bigger picture is this:

Not only was there still wet white poo left in my hair when I went into the bathroom; but there was brand new shampoo. Last night Liz and I stopped at the Rite Aid for supplies. Amongst other things we bought shampoo and conditioner. Buy-one-get-one-free you know. So I wound up recently washing my hair. And don't you know, right there was a bottle of Herbal Essences hydralicious (tm) shampoo and a bottle of Herbal Essences mandarin balm (tm) smoothing conditioner. Gee but do I feel pretty clean and goodly looked after at the moment. I mean like swimmingly so.

Lucky the chicken caught me square and proper.

Mountain Fortress

2008-12-08T21:56:00.004-05:00

The temperature here in Brownfield is seven.

So the temperature in Stow is probably 2.

Sometimes it does become the time to just put up or shut up.

I am putting up.

Regarding Desire

2008-12-06T14:17:00.001-05:00

I feel like life is hitting me in the face and filling me up. I am not fed up. I am not hurt. There is no violence here. There is only knowledge that this is right and this is enough and this is beautiful. I am not satisfied, yet I am. What more could there really be? I am mixing wood glue and flour and water and making a box. I have just been shown a brand new chicken egg. The tops of the pine trees are wavering back and forth and to and fro in a magical and unminding way. Sure I could be a little warmer and this and that and many other things could be better in so many ways. But then couldn't they also be worse? Maybe actually things can only be as they are. I just heard a radio piece featuring a few different versions of Bach's Goldberg Variations. Earlier I heard a piece about something called the Gospel of Inclusion.

Why is it that sometimes everything just sort of strikes you with a sense of being here? Sometimes things just plain make sense, even with all the senselessness and inadequacy and further desire. Sometimes wanting and trying and pushing isn't so much because of lack but simply because of being. Right now..., well gee- just right now. Right now questions are more like facts.Right now longing is the same as having.

I don't know how to say this. I don't know what I feel. I am here and here is in me. I feel grateful. It sounds crazy but the trees are in me as are the chickens and stars and the moon. They are all in me. I have glue on my hands and the wood stove is warming the room.

Right now I have written a little bit. I will work more on my box and I will make some small push to better organise tools and clothes and art projects and gear and stuff. Maybe later I will even wash my hands.

Five of Three of Three of Three

2008-08-27T19:19:00.002-04:00

What I mean to say is 135 days.
Those who know me know that I mean that it has been 135 days since posting. I'd wanted to start posting steadily again but I have not.

I have managed to work steadily for almost four months. Not quite sure if I worked the first few days of May. And August hasn't yet ended so almost four months. Teaching math at a local alternative school- it's been a wonderful opportunity.

A kind gentleman from Minnesota... . The past few years I have had the excellent opportunity to spend brief time in the company of a man, who like my own father, was able to help me understand what it means to be a man. Like my own father, this man gave me insight into what it is that I aspire toward. I can not thank him personally, but I can thank his family. I can thank friends who have allowed me the chance to meet this man and gain some measure of what it is to actually do things.

Today I did twenty pull-ups. I will do more.

_Seven_x _Seven=Forty_Nine_

2008-04-14T18:01:00.006-04:00

Okay so seven weeks is forty nine days without again posting to this blog I think I mean to be posting to at least every week or so but you know probably like twice a week and with pictures sometimes and update the other blogs and get my life in order and update and post my resume and stuff like that.

Well anyway it is not like it is fifty days without posting and that is because usually it is conventional to round things off because we don't want to get to caught up in details which are often just tangents and so forty nine is basically the same as fifty (at least for blogument's sake) so let's just say it isn't like I haven't posted for fifty days because I haven't posted for fifty days and so the one thing isn't like the other because they are basically the same thing and so there isn't really a second thing to compare to a first thing and so .........

Do I sound enough like someone who has more or less lost the plot?

Gee, maybe it is the case that I can't sound LIKE someone who has lost the plot because I am someone who has lost the plot and there again we don't have the opportunity for comparison since we only have a single thing for doing the comparing with.

Alright, there is definitely a woodpecker in the wall to my left.

Also definite is the spring cleaning activity and the switching from wintertime to springtime recreation activity and the getting from half done to a bit more than half done on some of the ongoing projects activity and plus we have disc three of season two of Prison Break and we are psyched.

Finally at the moment-

I am participating soon in a mentoring training session soon regarding recreation and athleticism for people with disability concerns.

And I got two buds, guys a decade and a half or so younger than me, and busted a number of inches higher up the old vertebral column, willing to try getting up North Conway's Cathedral Ledge in about a month.

Yeah, and I got all the plaster dust and wood shavings off the floor- except that now there is plaster crumbs and chunks on the floor and I'm hoping to get more wood shavings on the floor super soon.

Hopefully it doesn't sound additionally freaky to reference the following two phrases:

God willing

In the name of God

Today Is Monday

2008-02-25T12:59:00.002-05:00

Writing to write in order that something be written.

Woe is me; plus I have a really hard life.

No really- life is good and I'm cruising in comfort.

What the gee am I trying to say?

So I did the lift line at Bear Peak yesterday. That means Liz and I slowly picked our way down a sort of steep and narrow trail with decent size bumps but pretty fair padding on the bumps. And that means it wasn't really all that as far as death and destruction goes but it was kind of odd and required attention to keep from looking foolish, but it wasn't scary.

I like doing weird lift line runs at the ski slopes and I'm happy with myself because finally I have had enough practice this season so that I can give these runs a shot without fear of appearing too terribly inept and overly victimised by bad judgment.

So that's all well and good but I broke the valve off the oil/gas shock absorber beneath my ski rig and now I gotta get it fixed. And that's all well and good except that the people in California who make the shock absorbers aren't answering the phone in the repair section even though I'm calling their front office and already spending long distance money.

All this is all well and good and other nice stuff also except that the shock absorber broke because I put a new spring around it and reinstalled the whole thing on the ski rig frame but had the valve facing out instead of in underneath the other piece that protects it. And now the valve is busted off and all the oil/gas stuff is drained out of the shock absorber..

So now the ski rig doesn't work right and it's all my fault. It's one thing if you do daring and stupidish type stuff and then you get tagged. But getting tagged for simple lack of attention to detail... . It makes me feel almost human, almost normal.

Okay then, onward and upward.

Case In Point

2008-02-17T11:49:00.002-05:00

So I get the shoes on, head outside and start digging out the car.

It gets past noon and I'm thinking I'll still get a bunch of hours of skiing in.

It gets past 1PM and the car is moved maybe five feet so far. I'm thinking I'll still get a few hours of skiing in.

It gets past 3PM and the car is moved maybe eight feet. I'm in between thinking and not thinking.

It gets past 4PM and I'm starting to think that maybe I'm pretending to myself that I will get the car out.

It reaches approximately 4:44 and the snow plow guy shows up and smiles and starts pushing on the car.

I made it to the video store well before 6.

Ten More Days

2008-02-16T10:30:00.003-05:00

Writing to write as the story goes.
Skiing to ski as the body knows.

Last winter, by the end of the season, my right elbow was a bit messed up. This winter I am conscious of needing to keep stress down. I am trying to lean on my arms less. Also I keep in mind ideas of shorter sessions and rest days. So then what is the difference between being half hearted and being wise? I think it depends mostly on one's mood and one's interest in self criticism.

Skiing is going well but I'm always thinking I should be getting more of it in. I'm getting a fair amount of both downhill and crosscountry. My right elbow gets a little sore but not scarey sore like I better just give it all up. Been getting good cardio workouts with the cross country and improving my balance. Fiddling with uphill and off-the-beaten-track skiing. This is challenging and interesting. My big accomplishment with downhill is learning to link turns on steep loose snow and not stop and fall over quite as much. Plus my elbow is pretty okay at the moment.

It's 10:44 in the morning. I don't even have shoes on and my car is covered with snow. I'm sitting at the computer and some section of my head is saying I out to be sitting at the top of a big and steep and partly stress inducing ski hill. There is something to anxiety and there is something to managing ambition and goal achievement. It is just a dance, an ongoing shuffle, a fairly constant swaying and stepping and leaning and pausing and ... well you get the idea.

So there is probably over a month to go. There are more than enough beautiful trails and plenty of good people. Time to get the shoes on, make a move, and take it for what it is.

Yo, What Up: Hiram and the Lift Line

2008-02-06T11:21:00.000-05:00

On Sunday I discovered another benefit of being over forty. Being placed in the old-people's-division in the Diana Golden race series, my time in the slalom gained me a bronze medal. At first I figured there were only three entries. Turns out there were actually four. How's that for speediness.

The one problem was that I'd forgotten my ski so Erik loaned me a race ski a bit stiffer than the one he's already loaned me and also with a bit wider turning radius. After the awards presentation Liz and I went with Aaron from Attitash to Bear Peak, next mountain over. This was all well and good till I started down the lift line directly below the summit. It was ungroomed and my turns were sluggish so I ended up taking a number of light falls and winding up places I hadn't meant to go more often than expected and saying sorry and thank you far more often than desired.

On Monday we went to King Pine and I had the ski I'm used to using and it was a dream to turn since I'd worked so hard the day before turning the other ski that turning this one today felt super pretty okay. The lift line on the back side of King Pine is more technical than what I'd been floundering through the day before. But I did it- all afternoon long I went where I wanted and stopped when I wanted and it all worked well.

On Tuesday it turned out to be raining in Bedford. Liz and I were relieved of our two and a half hour commute for the adaptive cross country skiing group. We had extra preparation time and then we made our way across the field and through the woods and onto the railway bed. There are no trains these days but there are snowmobiles packing the snow that covers the tracks. Smooth sailing with a touch of ruggedness and loads of views and plenty of distance. We got as far as Route 113 which is a busy enough road that there is no snow on it and there is a good enough supply of traffic that we didn't want to try and cross. So we didn't make it to Hiram but we made the solid effort and got back at dark instead of two hours after.

So winter is finally starting to gel. The downhill is getting interesting and expressive. The cross country is getting lengthy and cardiovascular.

29 Days Later, I Guess I Can't Trust Me, Skiing

2008-01-30T20:49:00.000-05:00

Well finally early in the month me and Liz started making it to Attitash to do downhill skiing. Soon after I borrowed a cross country sit-ski rig and got going on that as well.

So the ideal idea is to do both downhill and cross country in the same day. You know, not too terribly much of either and different muscle groups so it's the whole cool and up to date cross-training concept.

Yeah right! It's all I can do to not watch a second video and roll out of bed by 10 or so the next day. Gee whiz, you know. Is this blog only about airing my dirty laundry or what?

It used to be, back in the day, when I was I actually was cool, and plus I was young- that my dirty laundry was pushing up too many hills and getting too caught up in muscle performance and recovery. Well this is the new Sean O'Neill, well the new Sean O'Neill who is old and not hip and not uncivilised and super domesticated and basically the same as ever except........

Oh come on.
Years ago I started saying that my New Years Resolution was not to make New Years resolutions anymore. Now it sounds like I'm worrying about slacking off on resolutions that possibly I actually did make.

Maybe I'm moving too fast for you to follow my line of thought.
I have the chance right now to be working slowly at making things better.
It's kind of a big responsibility and it gets sort of irritating when stuff doesn't work out easy-peasy

Maybe I'm being too vague for you to have any notion what I'm meaning.
It is 8 or 10 miles along the railroad tracks from Brownfield to Hiram.
I want to do the round trip on the sitski, soon.
Erik is jumping off stuff already and I'm still sketched.
I want to downhill ski more often and be somewhat expressive doing so.

Ten Days Later, Maybe I Can Trust me, Women's Liberation, Please Don't Do Cussing Stuff

2008-01-01T20:25:00.000-05:00

So yeah, "New Year" and all. Big Gosh and Gully, huh?.......

So the start of a new month and among her people the tradition is to say "rabbits and hares" as the first thing you say on the first day of the month.

I peaked my head from under the covers. The fire was already going, the room was fairly warm. She said it to me: Rabbits and Hares. I whispered it back. So it was the first thing I said on the first day of the first month of an entirely different year from the year when I had learned of this tradition of her people.

Then later during coffee, I asked and discovered that she hadn't spoken since waking. She was dressed, the fire was warm, coffee was ready. That takes a while.

That was this morning.
This evening I realised that since the elemental symbol for iron is Fe, then Ironman is Female. Oh my gosh............

One Day Later, Can I Trust Me, Will It Last, Still No Cussing Please

2007-12-22T12:52:00.000-05:00

At the moment I just would like to say to the world that I had a feeling.

I put on my left shoe.
I am a paraplegic and have very limited feeling in my lower extremities.
I'm living in the woods in Maine.
The temperature inside before the fire gets stoked isn't all that much greater than the temperature outside.
There is over a foot of snow outside.
I guess the temp inside is more than not that much greater than the temp outside because it is more than 35 inside right now and less than 20 outside, but then the fire is going now. Come to think of it, it never really does get much at all below freezing inside even in the morning but it gets like zero and even less outside so gee- I mean go figure, you know(?).

Anyway, the point of all this is that I put my left shoe on.
Well not that I put my left shoe on but that when I did put my left shoe on I felt a feeling of coldness in my foot, in my left foot. That's where I put the shoe.

Actually it's a sneaker, but my foot felt cold. I don't know if I've had that feeling in the past 16 years. Maybe occasionally while stretching my feet I've noticed dim sensation. But a feeling like coldness?? Now, sixteen years in?

Sometimes gifts are funny things.
But still they are gifts.

Roughly 3 and 2/3's, no cussing please

2007-12-21T15:48:00.000-05:00

Alright then- I haven't been bloggin much at all since things got thick back in March or so.

The year is ending. It is at or about the winter solstice. It is around when people are trying to end the year's work and begin the work of the coming year.

I am writing here, simply so that something will be written here.

My wood projects are incomplete.
My papier mache' projects are incomplete.
The mallet series has still not been finalised and presented.
The number drawings are wondering where I have been.
The lap-top and the cameras are a mish-mash of mish-mash-ableness.

In other words I am quite grateful for all that has come my way this year and I am confident that I have done my best with all the wonderful opportunities which have arisen.

Thank you to everyone who has shown me kindness and/or otherwise participated in my life.

Enjoy the Big Dark. For the next six months it's just more and more light.

Best wishes.

Hello

2007-09-01T03:17:00.001-04:00

Hello anybody who is reading.

Three months or so ago I last made entry here on Blogspot.

It is time to try again.

Rabbits and hares!

On the Boards Is the Man They Call the Mario

2007-05-09T16:36:00.000-04:00

So Liz and I graduated from South shore beginner surf to North shore proper surf. We went yesterday to a beach caled Ho'okipa.

As we got ready to enter the water a kind gentleman by the name of Mario offered assistance. He was surfing with a group of kids. It looked like maybe a couple of his own and a few of their friends. You know- 10 year olds and maybe 12 year olds.

So we all start into the water. The wind is howling, the waves are way bigger than anything I'd ever touched, water is spraying all around like a sizeable windy downpour- except that it was sunny out. I get a little disoriented and paddle about twice as far out as everybody else. I look back, and there in the midst of what to me appears to be a maelstrom, is Liz waiting for me. I'd seen her get a bit unnerved in the larger beginner surf on the South side but here when keeping together was a bit more important she was a calm and collected leader (of lost sheep like me). So I start back in toward her. Together we get blown across past the surfer surf into the giant white wash piles near where the sailboarders are doing their thing. We paddle and paddle and eventually get back to where we should have stayed. Liz is calm and smiling and checking on me the whole time. When it mattered she got down to business.

So anyway we are back in the surfer surf and the kids are all smiles and comfort and fun. I didn't notice gills, but I didn't notice Pennsylvania license plates on their boards either. Mario paddles over to me and directs me to follow him out and then into what he calls the Power Zone. To me it looked like an ideal place for one of those harness-natural-energy generators. Well he gets me out into that stuff and soon I am riding a couple footbal fields distance back to shore. And then back out to the power zone and some flips and cartwheels and breath holding and a few more sweet rides as well. None nearly as adroit as the kids, but then I'm a beginner.

Calm and collected Liz- she didn't quite get standing rides but she got to her feet a number of times. She got spun and thrown and cartwheeled and generally over her fear of smaller surf. She did great.

As for me, after a bit of a breather I went back out. Mario had to get the kids back home so I was solo. I now knew how to paddle out and where to paddle out to. I get back out to the Power Zone and there must have been three dozen adolescents paddling out and riding in and generally looking about the same as they might at any other after school get-together - laughing and smiling and living it up.

So there I was struggling some and feeling courageous some. And there were the polite young surfer girls saying "Hi, did you catch any yet?" and the adventurous surfer boys screaming past me speedily as I missed break after break, and the fun loving surfer kids in general who simply dove down a bit as I eventually did catch more waves and tentatively moved toward them- always to pop back up on my other side with a beaming smile.

We made it to the North Shore.

Today it is the tourist excursion to Hana and its lush surroundings.

More Later

2007-05-07T20:39:00.000-04:00

Hello to the anonymous and also the named.

Just finished a week of camping near Lahaina and now back in Makawao where there is internet access at the lodging location.

Been experimenting with adaptive surfing. Been building a kind of kneel upon saddle which we've been duck taping to the surf board. Rebroke the giant soft top long board three days ago and now I'm on another soft top which is two feet shorter. It is pretty squirelly and I occasionally fall off in flat water. It is also lighter and more responsive so I am beginng to learn to steer when I actually do get on a wave. Friday was pretty exciting. I didn't smash into the jetty and I did catch a couple big waves and I also managed to steer away from the jetty for the most part. I think the next step will be to move the saddle about two inches forward and that should make the board stick to the wave better for a smooth start.

Anyway it is off to the ATM to get rent money and then off to Kahalui for a computer cable and then Haiku to speak with Gramps at Rock and Chair Ding Repair and maybe with luck finally to some surf on the North Shore, possibly Ho'okipa. Probably I am being far overly optimistic as it is already going on 3PM.

More news and hopefully a few Kinetic pics later tonight.

Changes and Samenesses

2007-04-28T05:53:00.000-04:00

I don't understand grammar all that well. I've had people tell me I don't understand spelling all that well either.

People have differences. People have agreements.

Individuals find things that change in there lives. Some of these things bring comfort or even elation. Other of these things bring sadness or even acute distress. Sometimes these things are the same things.

We also find things in our lives which remain the same. Likewise it is with change. Sometimes having things not change is good or even very good. Also sometimes having things remain as they are can motivate stress and dispair.

I pushed my wheelchair up from the Pac ific Ocean to ten miles below the highest point on the island of Maui. The distance traveled was about thirty miles. The height gain was about 7500 feet. The time elapsed was around 21 hours.

Three good people traveled with me. These people did there utmost to help me get as close as I could to the top of the hill. They took turns walking with me. Maybe the company during the push was the most important part. No, definitely for me the best part of this push was the intermixed company of the three wonderful individuals who took turns sharing there presence with me as I did my best to work toward the summit of Haleakala.

Last summer I learned that sometimes it is useful, well practical, gosh it can be life threateningly important- to realise that the summit, in a certain vital sense, isn't so much an absolute spatial thing but simply the place from where you begin your return.

Is the return a return toward comfort and safety? How are change and sameness linked to comfort and elation and distress and sadness and even safety and fear?

Thank you to those who read this blog. Thank you to those who comment about this blog. Thank you so much to those who help me live my life and work my way through it all with some grace, a few smiles, and an occasional blog entry.

Posting

2007-04-26T05:48:00.000-04:00

Okay, the airplane ticket problems were worked out by the kind woman at the check-in desk at the Boston airport. Al that time on hold with the CheapTickets people and no headway, but ultimately, mercifully, at the last chance it all worked out fine.

So here I am in Makawao, in Maui, planning to start up Haleakala in about six hours. I've got strong support from two people who are very important to me.

The blog has had strong support from another person who is important to me.

I appologise for my absence this past five weeks or so. Things have been somewhat overwhelming in a few different ways. I have been distracted, mentally, emotionaly, and physically also.

The ski season finished iup well. The last run down the lift line at Wildcat was worth all the hard work and experimentaion of the preceeding months.

Now I am trying out surfing experimentation. I have tumbled off the board and climbed back on. I have scrapes on the sides of my knees and a bit on my face from the surface of the surf board. I have a bit of sunburn, just a bit.

Tomorrow though, well in just about six hours, I think I'm gonna get in the water off Hoburn Street and then start up toward a point 10,000 feet higher. I'll mostly be traveling on Haleakala Highway. We'll see how it goes.

----posted by Seanonymous

Holding

2007-03-17T22:54:00.000-04:00

So I'm on the phone calling the internet airplane ticket facilitator with which I set up tickets for two. Turns out the first leg has us on two separate planes. How do you spell Pacobell? The telephone hold music is okay. It doesn't really decrease my patience too dramatically. This will all work out, right.....

Okay, I spoke briefly with a human but now I'm listening to the same Pacobell loop again.

What else?

I've been skiing, mostly downhill with a bit of Cross country thrown in. I did get pulled up and then lowered down along the trail to Mount Willard by my favorite snowshoer just this past Monday. And yes, the trails are much easier with a foot or two of snow smoothing things out over the rocks.

I broke a ski. Well, I broke a downhill ski and also a cross country ski. The latter happened slipping off a trail in Idaho a month ago. The former happened not quite a week ago overshooting and drastically underrotating in a terrain park at Attitash here in New Hampshire.

What else? I've seen snow melt. I've seen snow fall and I've seen snow pile up and I've seen snow go from being twenty inches deep to to twelve inches deep to six inches deep and back to eighteen inches deep.

It is kinda meaningless and inane sounding but snow sinking down is pretty neat. One really beautiful part is the snow falling off the trees the day after the snow fall. It was warm and so snow melted some and fell from the trees to the ground. By the second day after the snow fall, the once soft and mostly featureless whitenss was a bit like what we imagine the moon to be like- all full of craters and holes from stuff falling from the cosmos into the ancient dust. Then more days pass and the snow fall is older and older and then finally I go out onto the porch and look out at thye snow and there are very many white round objects sittin on the surface where recently there were holes. These are the blobs of snow that fell from the pine branches. The snow around the where they buried themselves has now melted or settled or sublimated or in whet ever way gone away and left these once cloud-bound and then tree-bound and finally below-the surface-of-the-snow-bound objects exposed.

Burt then they melted. And now there is another foot of snow above here thet had sat.

Pacobell????? I'm hanging up.

Trying To Try: T to the third power

2007-02-24T22:20:00.000-05:00

Okay, hi, yeah, um... sure- it's Saturday February 24. The year is 2007.

That's a start, huh? ... .

Right, so gee, gee golly, gosh you know. here I am on the earth living life and just chock full of all the potential, well most of the potential- that I ever really expect to have for all of eternity. Not to be morbid or silly but this really is as good as it gets and gee but why aren't more heroic sagas occurring? Why is everything a step or two away from not being a step or two away from nothing?

What is up with the antFarm where I am not?

What is up with me not being higher up than like 750 feet of altitude?

When am I going to be a real and actual ski-bum and get my bum skiing now? And then? And yesterday? And tomorrow?

And what is up with being moody and irritated and normal and regular and honest and trustworthy and loyal and friendly... and stuff like that?

Well, so I am in a bit of a funk and traveling is somewhat time consuming and I wish I didn't wish for stuff and oh I hope you aren't terribly bored with me and, and, and ......

Okay, so everything is awesome and it all is gonna be alright and it is actually super peachy right now and everything is okay.

But still, what is this funk and why do I like"and" so much and

So things are okay. I did discover while in Sun valley Idaho that chocolate milk is endorsed by the United States Olympic Comittee as a recovery drink. That means it is good for drinking soon after exercise to aid in the lessening of muscle breakdown andf the quickening of muscle repair. Plus I learned that sit-down crosscountry skiing is the best aerobic activity I have known since I started wheelchairing.

Plus I went to dinner with family last Sunday and the table was like twenty feet long or something, maybe thirty feet.

And I'm here in North Conway, in the Mount Washington Valley, writing, well typing.

I have things I'd like to push more quickly. There are projects I'd like to be further along with. I'm not really certain if I am over extended or it is simply winter or maybe even everything is perfect and I just get restless.

Repression -vs- Accession

2007-02-24T14:19:00.000-05:00

okay---- time to start again, ..........

time to say thank you to Anonymous for commentary

time to try again to turn comment moderation back off because it appears to create more trouble than it fixes

time to get more posting on here instead of being so between things

time to put this into the blog instead of just leaving it here in comments

time to highlight and copy ............

Rabbits and Hares

2007-02-01T21:10:00.000-05:00

The first thing I heard anybody say this morning was "rabbits and hares". Next I heard it said that if one says first upon waking on the first of the month the phrase "rabbits and hares", it will be an auspicious and lucky month.

I had been laying quietly for some time with my eyes opening only occasionally. For the most part, I'd stayed still with my eyes closed and my consciosness not very far from the pre-waking dream state. Now I had opened my eyes and begun to focus consciously on the words being said as well as the kind eyes of the individual saying the words.

Again I closed my eyes but retained my waking conciousness. I said "rabbits and hares". And then I opened my eyes again and looked once more at those eyes.

Sunday I leave New Hampshire and travel by way of Denver and Salt Lake City so that I may arrive at Sun Valley in Idaho. I am going there to explore the activity of adaptive cross country skiing. I am going there to spend time with recognised disabled athletes and to experience the milieu, the physical and social setting, of adaptive recreation amongst leaders in the field.

And plus it's gonna be in a very cold and very beautiful place. And it's gonna be fun. And auspicious. And I'm lucky to have this opportunity.

At the Moment

2007-01-21T17:58:00.000-05:00

At the moment I am thinking of stopping and heading accross the street and settling down with locals and watching a game.

I'm thinking I won't be thinking "Go Eagles" or "E - A - G - L - E - S". I don't know if I'll be cheering the New England Patriots, but I've heard they are the underdogs and I usually am more interested in the uderdog. Plus I'm in New England, and I like being here.

I've been told it isn't too late to join the amerature race series at the local hill, Cranmore Mountain, so I will be among Wednesday's race results.

There are three new picture postings in the picture blogs, Art Things and Kinetics. One is new number pictures. Another is some pre-Christmas skiing. The last is the latest in alternative exercise- wood smithing.

Again We Begin Again, Again

2007-01-04T21:21:00.000-05:00

Finishing off the previous year-

Yes, there was more stuffing; and what's more, the second helping surpassed the first. Possibly the special treat of Christmas Day ... well, except for the presents and the food and the wonderful people and the smiles and the general sense of well being, oh, and the goodness of it all and plus the great evening of the Eve and those events and especially the special company and both the personal and the group/public experience at the Christmas Eve service and of course the food and company then and also the late night fun of wrapping the presents and getting everything in order and gee I guess waking up on Chrismas morning was pretty good too ... well except for that stuff maybe the highlight of Christmas day was the outdoor medicine ball toss. I didn't know you could get such a good workout just having a catch with people. Also I didn't know I'd be able to have fun and throw the thing and not fall over backward catching it. Yes, that was a fun and slightly rediculous activity. It sure brought a smile to my face and I think the other participants and even the onlookers were smiling also. Plus it was strenuous and fun.

Starting off the new year-

Well gosh it was actually the second to the last day of last year but it is still pretty fresh. Oh, alright, the last big thing of last year was a slide show of my adventures at a climbing store in North Conway, New Hampshire, called International Mountain Equipment, IME for short. It came off pretty well although the three or four days leading up were sort of increasingly nerve wracking right down to when I started talking that night. Then, 50 minutes later when I was done and next took a moment of personal reflection, I realised everything was okay.

Two weeks minus two days from now I will do another slide show at Villanova University outside Philadelphia in Pennsylvania. I'm looking forward to this as opportunity. Opportunity to share my stories. Opportunity to share positivity. Possibly even opportunity to inspire. And also opportunity to enhance my non-existant career.

What else for the year-

More blogging, hopefully regularly.

More hills, likely some big ones. I have plans to continue with the paved road one day things and other plans also. Maybe I will try unassisted camping along paved trail or road. Definitely I will continue the experimentation with assisted trail hiking. There will be a back country camp out at Clouds Rest in Yosemite.

A couple cliffs, well, at least one cliff and maybe a couple different ways up. I'd like to enhance my climbing system and also my climbing knowledge first so that other team members will be freer for other tasks.

Gee, I guess the year is supposed to be about continuing to do my best for myself and for others as I am able.

I'd like to get back to the antFarm. I'd like to continue to improve my diet. I'd like to do a number of things to increase my independence and my overall security. Some of my plans will succeed. Some may fall short. The important thing will be to continue to try to sustain or improve. Flexibility and fairness and some sense of a bigger picture and who and what are really important to me- these will be key.

Good luck with it everybody......

Art Things

2006-12-15T15:57:00.000-05:00

There are new pictures in the Artthings web log. They are things I've worked on while resting and stepping away from wood chopping.

Last week I was assisted to the top of a very large boulder called Jockey Cap. That might be about it for this season. The trip up and then down was pretty good. Liz and I doing the tether over the hard parts. We are getting pretty good at it. We went back down with the tether also. My wheelchair facing backward, it was sort of a belay technique. It worked quite well. Only an hour up and an hour down. While the hike is not that challenging for adults and even young children on legs, I thought it might take over two hours for us just to get up. The head lamp and extra layer never came into use.

Again I was reminded what it might be like to go out exploring without the wheelchair increasing the challenge. Again I was reminded that gems are not always beyond reach. Again teamwork fostered both connection and freedom.

The camera battery bonked not far above the start. I'd like to go back and get some pictures of the rock and the adaptive hiking techniques we are developing. I'd like to get pictures of a number of things, so maybe the season isn't really so over.

Swimming for exercise has entered the game. I just bought goggles yesterday. Skiing is coming up also. I bought a helmet months ago. And then there is the more sedentary activity of driving. I seem to have bought a car. Maybe I will be driving: to the pool; to the slopes; to the writing and blogging shop, to the papier mache` shop, the number drawing shop and maybe even the metal shop.

Hey Everybody, Come Check Out My Pictures

2006-12-11T18:43:00.000-05:00

The Basin in Franconia Notch, New Hampshire

Mount Minsi at the Pennsylvania side of the Delaware Water Gap

Dingmans Falls in the Poconos above the Delaware Water Gap in Pennsylvania

Bushkill Falls in the Poconos above the Delaware Water Gap in Pennsylvania

Vernal Falls above the Yosemite Valley in Yosemite National Park in California

the Zodiac Route on El Capitan in Yosemite National Park in California which meant over 1700 pull-ups in under 27 hours

Mauna Kea which eventually tops out at 13,700 feet in Hawai'i

Some pictures briefly recapping events in the Mount Washington Valley in New Hampshire

All Terrain

2006-12-02T18:59:00.000-05:00

Two Saturdays ago terrain was a heavy metal band called Terrain, a very heavy metal band called Terrain. These were boys (men) from Lennon's in Upper Darby, PA. They were performing at the Rusty Nail in Havertown, PA. The landscape of their sound, though quite loud and dramatic, was varied and interesting to me.

Three days later it was a change of terrain via flight to Manchester, NH, and then the smooth terrain of the paved path to a geological feature called the Basin. That was a Tuesday.

Two days later terrain meant the terrain of new people and a seat at their Thanksgiving Dinner table. Today I realised that I am suffering from post traumatic shock in the form of a latent desire for more stuffing- more stuffing now and more stuffing soon after I finish the helping of stuffing I haven't even got in front of me. I'm told that by Christmas Day I will have the opportunity for more stuffing.

Since that most excellent Thanksgiving meal terrain has been other things also.

It has been dreamscape. It has been the terrain of images and moods which are the dreams I remember after waking. It has been the textures and metaphors of dreams described to me by some one close.

And then their are the dreams which are plans made but not yet met. Things in the future, goals, things made of hope and vision. Is this terrain the scape of fantasy or calendar or is there a such thing as a pragmatism which dreams but also approaches those real things of which the dreams are pre-thought reflections? I have been making plans toward the next year or so for a few months now, but I am at this point within the terrain where once future plans are present behaviors and actions.

I am in the terrain of the Mount Washington Valley. I am in hope. I am in creativity and I am in nurturing and kindness and like-mindedness and goodness and growth.

I am not in Minnesota at the antFarm where the terrain is quite similar to the heart and soul but somewhat different to the eye. I am not back home in East Lansdowne from where all things for me have come, from where I have embarked out onto the terrain of my existence. What I am not is not, yet still it is. It all is, for I am here where I am and all those things which I have seen and felt and done and desired are me and I am grounded in and flying above this terrain which is my me.

Rock and Roll

2006-11-14T19:27:00.000-05:00

Tuesday was Bushkill Falls.
Wednesday was raindrops and cribbage.
Thursday was Dingman Falls.
Friday was Mount Minsi via the Appalachian Trail.

Tuesday was 1267 steps and two free t-shirts.

Wednesday was 5 geese floating happily down the Delaware River and 20 inches of 8 by 8 burnt half way through late that night.

Thursday there were 248 steps. On the way up 214 gained height and 34 gave it back away. Late that night there were stars and the moon.

Finally there was Friday. Friday started at 10:40 AM and ended at 10:36 PM. There were no steps and no geese and no fire and we didn't get free t-shirts for having completed the route. There were many rocks to get past. There was a challenging stream to cross. 6:56 had us at the top of Mount Minsi looking down into the darkness of the Delaware Water Gap. There was a fire-road available for descent. This meant it was possible to make way downward in the dark. At the tail end we had Orion and then moonlight as well.

There were rhododendrons and hemlock and water falls and rocks, many rocks, and lichen and moss and ferns.

I did all this in a wheelchair, well sometimes not even in it but just scrambling over top of things. The point though is that I did it, I did it at all. I was in my home state doing stuff and seeing things just like or maybe even twice as good as I'd done in younger days on working legs.

Team work, team work and technique and trust and patience. Over the course of the week these were developed and on Friday a very difficult goal was accomplished. It occurred safely, without excessive risk. It occurred with laughter and courage and joy. It occurred.

How to Ever Say It

2006-10-31T21:39:00.000-05:00

I look to the world as it turns it back on me
I look to life as it laughs at me

And then I contemplate largeness and smallness
And wholeness and partness
And impossible and definite
And chaos and common
And attained and ungraspable

For a time I am still and quiet and without concern
Nothing is missing and beauty abounds

Still there are grant proposals unwritten and connections uncontacted
Applications unopened and pieces out of place

I have bags to unpack, things to move about, trash and trivia to discard
My bed is unmade and my teeth are unbrushed

Yet now I have had consolation
I have thought about e

e is simplicity and e is also paradox
e is a mathematical constant like pi
for me e is something else as well

So this is the life of the returning hero. I am back in Pennsylvania with family and I have time for the first time in a long time to tend to a lot of details. It is time to make the background of my life stronger and more secure and more stable. Time to reinforce foundations and sow seeds for the future.

Practically speaking though it is time to unpack a bit further and go brush my teeth.

Then once again it can be time for e.

Clouds Rest

2006-10-28T00:46:00.000-04:00

Sitting in the lobby of a Sheraton Hotel in Pleasanton, CA. I'm in route to the Oakland airport and back to Philadelphia to see family and rest some

My biggest, baddest, toughest wheelchair push ended without incident two nights ago. Funny how things go, It wasn't all that far. It wasn't all that stupendous of an elevation gain. It was certainly super complicated. It was not too well paved. It was the John Muir Trail runing up from Yosemite Valley proper to Little Yosemite Valley.

Actually I only went half way there. There was maybe 5 miles of paved road from Camp 4 to a place called Happy Isles Nature Center. This is the beginning of the Mist Trail which runs up the Merced River to Vernal Falls and on to Nevada Falls. The Mist Trail links to the John Muir trail. The John Muir Trail takes one to the camp ground at Little Yosemite Valley. It carries on beyond this to a granite dome called Clouds Rest.

A year ago I looked out from the wall of El Capitan toward a shallow but large granite dome for six nights and seven days. It looked so much simpler to climb than El cap. I told myself I'd try and give it a shot next year. How hard could it be? It certainly looked easy miles off in the distance. No vertical walls, no insanely ambitious goal here I imagined.

It sure got cold when I did the "bivvy" on the top switchback of the the first section of trail. I didn't know what exactly the protocoil was on bears so I ate my last three Cliff Bars soon after dark so that I couldn't loose them to animals during the night. What was I doing sleeping on the ground, without a tent or sleeping bag, all alone, no food or water left- but my teeth freshly brushed ...

Wednesday at 11 AM found me sat at Clarks Point taking in possibly the most spectacular sight I'd ever seen. Nevada Falls a mile or two up valley to the right- splashing down the granite wall. A giant called Liberty Cap to the left of this. Another called Mount Broderick to the left of that. Between the two but behind them is the massive Half Dome. My gosh ... it was worth the crazy effort of the 8 hour climb up the two miles of trail. It was worth the brash start without confirmed support. It was worth the lack of confidence I felt for being in so deep and so high up and so alone.

It will take some time to put this all in perspective. It will take some time to organise a more possibly successful pilgrimage to Clouds Rest. It would be more involved to get to Clouds Rest and safely back than even to climb El Cap. It would take a large support team. It would invlove at least a week of back country camping permits and bear cannisters.

I only went about a quater of the way there on this initial reconnaisance mission. At Clarks Point I needed to decide whether to atempt to continue toward Litte Yosemite where my supplies were or to return to the Valley floor and hopefully avoid another night of bivvy. I felt so small and disorganised and insecure and unsure. Team Us brought reinforcements at 3 Pm and more at 5 PM. I got to the Valley floor before dark. I got to the Valley floor safely. I got there with a lot of assistance from two strong men. I got there with a feeling of elation. Somehow this had been a magnificent adventure and a wonderful success.

Yeah Right

2006-10-23T02:52:00.000-04:00

So it is 11:45 pm.
The window, the big window, by me is open now. It is more or less freezing cold. I'm trying to be a blogger but the cold is making me think about things that make me feel warm.

Beyond this and beyond her is now and here and Cloud's Rest and Half Dome and the back country permit and the bear cannister and all that. I've got just this next week in Yosemite to do my best and make it right and then it is back to Philly to do the same.

Right, so onward, outward, upward. Me-ward, warmth-ward, her-ward, us-ward, this-ward, now-ward ... !

Breakfast of Champions

2006-10-18T21:44:00.000-04:00

So yesterday we topped out on the Zodiac. Breakfast? What ever fig newtons and power bars I was having with my water after sunrise and the first thousand pull ups. The haul bags came over the edge around 3PM, ending our ascent. This was followed by a maybe 4 hour piggy back ride back to the nearest parking lot on the Valley floor which was fairly difficult. That was followed by going to the meadow to get my wheel chair and then of course the journey back to camp for beers and chips and chickens, well chicken parts, bunches of them.

The day before at 12:18 PM we started up the Zodiac on El Cap. I had had a cheese horn, an apple horn, and black coffee for breakfast. Then we went to the El Cap meadow to prepare to have five guys carry me and a bunch others carry all our gear to the base of the Zodiac route. Was this maybe a mile of talus and Manzanita trees? It was probably 1000 feet of elevation gain. There were still 1800 feet of gain left to cover. Ammon McNeely started the lead. My brother Tim took it through the cold and dark.

The day before that was the day before the climb. For breakfast I had just black coffee. Mark Welman had shown in the morning to loan us the equipment I would use to pull myself up El Cap.With his help, I made an Excel spreadsheet listing the history of El Capitan disabled ascents. He invented the activity back in 1989.

I had oatmeal with my black coffee for breakfast the nextmost previous day before that one. I had it with cinnamon. It was awesome- I'd been meaning for at least a month to start eating oatmeal as part of a better nutrition regimen to help me get up hard things like Mauna Kea and El Capitan.

But so if you are still reading: Victory breakfast, the breakfast of the morning (well, like 11 AM or so) after having done a push up El cap. A push is a single effort. We were trying for a one day thing, 24 hours or less. Maybe it was 27 hours- not a failure though, just a different category. Still it was over 1700 pull ups. Well not real pull ups. Some were 3/4 pull ups. None of them require lowering down, just pulling up. But really we had just gone up El Cap. We did it between noon Monday and 3PM Tuesday, working through the night- the cold dark night. I sat there eating Cheerios and viamin D milk, cold milk- like so many mornings. So many safe warm mornings with a simple and soothingly nutritious meal. The funny thing was the bowl and spoon felt as if they were heavy. My muscles were just about trembling with the effort, as if I'd worked hard recently.

Trees and Rock & Stars at Night

2006-10-12T01:45:00.000-04:00

It is 10:40 here in Yosemite Valley in California.

I am slowly figuring out how to work my new laptop and camera and software and all that stuff. Please forgive me for making excuses but I really thought I'd be a cooler more media savvy traveler and adventurer and blogger and all that neat stuff.

Pictures are coming but it is time to get back to my tent and settle down for the night.

I left Hawaii on Sunday and am in Yosemite now not just to gawk at trees and rock but also to actually climb some rock.

For now though it is time simply to go sit in the dark and look upward and think about things. Things like dimness and brightness and light... and the Milky Way. Things like curvature and straightness and strength... and the massive pines all around me. Things like quiet and slow and true and more massive and most massive... yet still smaller than the whole planet and stuff- the granite. Maybe the granite is like a middle man between the trees and the stars.

More later.

Update from Pahoa

2006-10-05T23:41:00.000-04:00

I'm logging a report from the field.

Internet cafe in the Malawa Shopping Center in the town of Pahoa in the District of Pahoa.

Tonight Raul and Dan accompany me to dinner as a sort of closing note on the 40 hour trip up the big hill. Not sure where we are going and all that but fairly sure it will be relaxing and nourishing. There will be a few other members of the community sharing this time with us.

At the moment though I'm getting some emails out and pictures loaded and even a short web log bit. I'm drinking locally grown coffee and I'm halfway through my second large cup of carrot juice.

My hands were pretty sore Sunday and Monday but they are back to full go now. Monday I made it to Uncle Rober's Awa Club to sample this beverage, awa, made from the pounded root of the awa plant. It is an earthy taste and has a relaxing affect. We sat a long while there, near the former town of Kalapana, now covered by lava. I'm not certain but I think Uncle Robert's is the only business in Kalapana. The sign for Kalapana Street does now hang beneath the corrugated metal roof of the open air awa bar.

Wednesday I finally got my body into the ocean. I am somewhat drawn to the idea of giving up the mountain roads and becoming a surf monk. Please though, nobody tell the mountains I said this.

There has been some touristing the past few days

Made It !!

2006-10-01T22:41:00.000-04:00

I made it to the top.
I even got back down safely.
A number of people, a large number, were very helpful in this effort and it would not have happened without this support.

I left Arnott's Lodge at 8AM on Friday. Dipped the wheels in the Ocean along Kalanianaole Street. Headed throuh Hilo's Old City section and up toward the Saddle Road. After many beeps and waves and other shows of kindness, I reached the Mauna Kea access road around 8:30PM. Dan, Raul and myself finally exited the clouds and started up JA Burns Way to the visitor Center. We saw the North Star low on the horizon. We watched Casseopia and the Pleiades rotate around the North Star.

I saw shooting stars. I watched Orion the Hunter rise sideways above the horizon and gain in dazzling grandeur as he continued upward- the whole time sitting kind of sideways.

After 18 hours I was at the Visitor Center and thinking so much about getting out of clammy wet clothes into dry stuff and getting a peanut butter and jelly bagel into my body.

There are 2 and a half minutes left of internet access at this terminal.

Slept in Dan's SUV passenger seat from 4 till 7. Park staff, Shane, was kind enough to get us coffee and we continued upward as did the sun, and also the clouds.

Topped at 11:45PM

Aloha Kakahiaka

2006-09-29T13:39:00.000-04:00

Good morning.

It is 7:40 am.

Will be leaving Arnott's Lodge soon and dipping tires in salt water along the Hilo Bay and then heading down Kalanianaole Street to Kamehameha Avenue. Then left onto Wainuenue Ave. Then continue uphill on Kaumana Drive to the Saddle Road.

Mauka Side --Starting

2006-09-29T05:33:00.000-04:00

Okay, start at 6am on Friday.

Out of Arnott's Lodge, 98 Apapane Road, 6am

Find some water at sea level, I've already got a spot scoped out, dip the tires.

Kalanianaole Street follows into Kamehameha Avenue.

That takes a left in Old City.

The go is up Waianuenue Avenue, past Hilo High School.

Then it is Kaumana Drive past Kaumana Caves to the Saddle Road.

Finally, plans are a bit rough after that except go to the access road and start up.

Good Morning.

Hardship in Hilo

2006-09-27T05:27:00.000-04:00

Okay so I have 14 miniues till the time runs out on this dollar operated internet terminal.

Crikey... 13:13

drat 12:48

Okay- anyway, I had a nice little piece typed up but then the thing ran out before I hit the publish button and now I'm hating life, staying up later feeling like I need to go tend to body things minutes or more ago.

Come on Sean, this is Hawaii. Quit your complaining and tell everybody how sweet your life is. Tell them that 5% grade here feels about like how flat or downhill feels up there at 40 or so degrees latitude. Tell them that it only takes a quarter the liquid to roam Hawaii as it does to do Boulder's hills. Tell them there are banana trees. Tell them that Banyan trees are right up there with Sycamore trees for being the coolest trees there are.

Tell them you now have mayonaise and lettuce to go with your wheat bagels and sharp cheddar cheese. Tell them about raisins and dates and plums and peaches and nectarines and grapefruit juice and V-8 juice and 8 packs of Gatoraid and the giantly huge and possibly also colossal desire to rage (or really- just be) on Mauana Kea.

Tell them that things are going well.
Tell them you are very grateful for what you have been given.

Tell them also that you think it might be way better yet if they were here with you.

Be honest, go on, tell them these things.

Especially tell that one.

Nextward

2006-09-22T14:05:00.000-04:00

The Autumn Equinox for 2006 occurs on September 23 at 4:03 Universal Time. Universal Time means Greenwich Mean Time. Presently I am in Mountain Daylight Time, so the Earth will be at the Equinox point this evening at 10:03. Likewise, if for instance you live in Maine, it will be just past midnight. Anyway, seasonal change is upon us. For many of us, the weather is altering and our surroundings differ as well.

But today their is a sort of symmetry. Maybe it is only symbolic. Dark and light are in balance just around now.

I am nearing the end of my stay in Colorado. August was ancient Eastern mountains with loads of broadleaf. The past two weeks have been near the Continental Divide- younger mountains and far more conifer than broadleaf. Next is not even continent. What sorts of trees I don't yet know.

I'll be between the great landmasses on a minor glitch where the planet's super heated interior has leaked out and piled up. Piled up so high that it has piled from the bottom of the ocean up to the water's surface and then another 2 and 3 fifths miles toward the sky.

Happy Equinox.

Hayohh

2006-09-20T04:06:00.000-04:00

Check the pictures at http://kineticpics.blogspot.com/

Triple Tripping

2006-09-19T05:17:00.000-04:00

Brainard Lake then Eldora then Mount Evans

Last Thursday I pushed the wheelchair from Boulder to Brainard Lake. First there was the early wake up to negotiate. Then there was Lee Hill to carry myself and a gallon of liquid over. Then I was somewhat tired and there was ten or twelve miles of Left Hand Canyon to sort. Then there was the road up to Ward which sits at 9200 feet. Then we have the steeper road out of ward up to the Peak to Peak Highway. Finally there was the not so steep five miles down Park road to Brainard Lake at 10300 feet.

In all maybe 30 miles and 5000 feet of elevation gain, plus another 1000 feet considering the downhill on the back side of Lee. Start time 6:50, finish ~4:20.

Rain started threatening about halfway up Left hand Canyon but never really hit. Support didn't show in Ward but Team Us member Vijay Viswanathan serendipitously appeared to save the day. The initial view of the Rocky Mountains surrounding Brainard Lake was transcendent. I left with a gallon of Brainard spring water as tourist treasure.

Last Saturday I pushed the wheelchair from Nederland to Eldora. First there was Vijay to situate with his hand cycle and his able-bodied roommate John in Vijay's wheelchair. Then the three of us headed maybe three miles down the highway to the turn off to Eldora Ski Resort. Then (and even I am already getting tired of this 'then' device) there was that big ole hill leading up to the ski slopes. Then there was more of the hill and more and more. Then there was the hill and a little snow. Then there was the hill and a lot of snow. Then there was the top of the hill and loads of bitter cold snow blowing straight sideways and then I started getting worried. Then a third of the way or so back down the hill John, whose able bodied physique had impeded his wheelchair pushing progress on the hill, showed in his four wheel drive and possibly saved my life.

I hadn't even a wind breaker to bring along. It wasn't really far we were going. It wasn't even that high up either although Nederland is 8300 feet up already. Vijay, in proper apparel but no gloves, made it all the way back home unassisted. His hand cycle is a lot quicker than my wheelchair, but still it was bitter weather. All this before 11 or so in the morning.

Last Sunday (which sounds weird because it is yesterday I am talking about) I pushed the wheelchair from the base of the Mount Evans Autoroad at Echo Lake to its top, along the highest paved road in North America. First I wasn't even sure I wanted to attempt this road that sits above 10000 feet as I was a bit unnerved by Saturday's sudden bad weather around and below 9000 feet. Then I finally decided to go ahead with it. Then we didn't get to the camp spot till 2 am. Then I decided not to get up at 4 am for early start in bitter cold and high wind.

Then it was after 6:30 and the wind had died down and the sun was rising and myself and my support man, Mark, got up and got started. Maybe the base is 10200 feet. Well, we got ready and just past 8 am we paid our dollar fifty each and started up the road for what turned out to be quite an adventure. One sign says the top of the road is 14 miles away. Another says the road to the top, above Summit Lake, is closed. Mark rode his bicycle in low gear and I pushed my chair and we started ticking off miles. Mountain goats and mountain sheep and mountains and mountains and more mountains. Reaching mile 9 meant we had reached Summit Lake at 12700 feet and would next decide whether or not to continue to the actual summit.

There is a rock hut at the lake and there was a wood fire inside tended by park staff. It was about 12:30 pm. We sat inside and planned things out. The weather was good and so was the forecast. We ate some and warmed up some and headed on up the hill. The wind blowing down the mountains and across Summit Lake was very cold. Heading on up it was bitter in the shade but manageable in the sun. Mile 12 passed. Mile 13 went by. We went on toward marker 14 and the top. Approaching mile marker 14 it was obvious that there were at least 5 more switch backs to go. The pace slowed continuously. Somewhere along the way we passed mile marker 14 and there were bunches yet of switch backs to go.

Finally the top of the road was beneath us. It was 3:30. We'd reached a paved parking lot at 14130 feet. Then I started wondering how my feet had fared. It was maybe zero if you allowed for wind chill. After not so long we started down. With the wind at my back I was braking with vigilance.Then we reached the first switchback. With the wind at my front I was pushing down hill. Things went on like this for miles. Strongest, coldest winds I've ever felt. Finally we were closing in on Summit Lake and that stone hut with the wood fire. Gee, but that really cold wind on my back as we headed up past Summit Lake was now very much more to deal with as we faced it, as I pushed down hill into it.

We reached the hut. Then I sat quite close to that fire for the next hour while Mark bicycled the next 9 miles to the base and got the car. I had time to eat and time to hydrate. I had time to worry about my toes and time to worry about Mark's safety after he left the hut.

Looking at the majestic mountains beyond Brainard Lake, beneath threatening cloud cover, it occurred to me this was the most epic wheelchair journey I'd ever done.

The little tiny Eldora run, only two hours up, well before noon. Headed down I was thinking not about epic but staying alive.

The big, bold Mount Evans run, ... what an epic!

Double Dipping or Dealing in Twos

2006-09-13T17:37:00.000-04:00

I arrived in Boulder, Colorado on Sunday night. Yesterday, Tuesday, that was two days ago.

Plan number one was to push the wheelchair up Flagstaff Mountain Road. It has a solid supply of bicyclists in training. It has a strong supply of switch backs. It is 5.3 miles in length, maybe 10% grade. It starts about a mile or so above sea level.

Day one's workout was maybe 40 minutes commuting and warming up. Day one's hill was about 3 hours long.

So then it's on to day number two. Day two decided I should carry two spare quarts of liquid tied beneath the wheel chair frame. Day two was asking for two runs up Flagstaff. Run up number one cheaped me out on hill workout time, 2 and a half hours instead of 3- and that is with the weight of the extra liquid. Two, I meant -to- make matters worse, there was run number two. Stingy old run number two of Tuesday only gave me only a two hour hill, even though still the same hill.

In the words of the immortal and illustrious two winged ascent artist, Jonathan Livingston Seagull: Perfect speed is already being there.

In theory I need to head up Flagstaff Mountain Road four (that's two times two) more times and I will cut the hill ascent time down from three (that's two plus half of two) hours to approximately zero hours, zero minutes.

But then I'd miss out on the whole fun of the push, so two days after yesterday I'm going to try hill #2 here in hill land #2.

Wednesday in the Afternon

2006-09-06T14:37:00.000-04:00

looking back:

Wednesdy, August 23- North Conway to A T trailhead on 302 and back, ~45 miles

Thursday, August 24- North Conway to shy of AT trailhead, ~21 miles

Friday, August 25- North Conway to Crawford Notch AMC, ~26 miles, proper hill

Monday, August 28- Hurricane Mountain Road, not even 9 miles but about 5 of steep hill

Tuesday, August 29- Norh Conway to Bear Notch 'top', ~17 miles, fair hill

Wednesday, August 30- Sawyer Rock Wayside past Crawford Notch to Twin Mountain and Zealand, ~25 miles, proper hill and dirt also

Friday, September 1- North Conway past Crawford Notch to Cog Railway, ~36 miles, proper hill and hardship also

Tuesday, September 5- North Conway past Pinkham Notch to Mount Washington Auto Road's 6 Mile Marker, ~26 miles, proper hill, actual hill and lots of hiking also

looking ahead:

Thursday- geological tourist hiking planned

Friday- travel from North Conway to Philadelphia

Sunday- travel from Philadelphia to Boulder

Sunday in the Morning

2006-09-03T11:49:00.000-04:00

Yersterday I was depleted and tired and ready to go back to Philly and get a proper job and be civilised.
Today I am ready to consider seriously considering going from North Conway to the Auto Road and then up.

There are logistics and plans and resources and stuff and things to consider and also to take into consideration.

The thing is though, I can go up Route 16 to the base during daylight and do the untraveled auto road after that. Gee but I hadn't even thought of that. Every time I considered this project I imagined leaving at night and running up 16 in the dark. Easy peasy to kick that idea out the window.

Sometimes all it takes is a little insight from a friend, from an assistant coach. I can do the busy road in the daylight and the empty auto road when there is less light... go figure.

A day alone after a hard day's work out the day before and I'm ready to clock out. Get Coach Tim and his fave assistant Laura into the conversation and ideas start poring and possibilities start flowing.

It has been two very good weeks here in North Conway and the surrounding area. Things in Crawford Notch had just gotten better and better and better. The last two runs through, this past Wednesday and Friday, were both spectacular, for different reasons and with different rythms. Does it simply boil down to good quality people playing this game with me?

Really so much good stuff has been happening and many kind, generous and thoughtful people have been helping me out to pull it all off. Today I just wanted to get something written and posted. I have laundry to do and stuff to tend to. Describing travels will wait. I have done a lot of miles and a lot of hills and many people have helped- in many ways.

Twilight Comes After Sunset

2006-08-31T13:55:00.000-04:00

Monday found me back on Hurricane Road.
Monday found me making another late start.
Monday found me doing the front side climb in 50 minutes instead of 75.
Monday allowed me to go up Hurricane Mountain Road from the front, the back, and the front again.

Then Darling Monday suggested I get on back to Coach Tim's place as sunset and twighlight were soon approaching. Upon arrival I found that Assistant Coaches Marc and Mary were just about done cooking up spaghetti and meatballs- and there was enough for everybody. There sure are loads of things about which one may feel gratitude and humility.

Tuesday withheld the BLT I'd set as my reward for making the 10-ish miles to the Bear Notch deli in Bartlett. Being not of a metropolis, the deli closed at 6pm.

At 5 past 6, Mischievous Tuesday directed my attention toward the Bear Notch Road sign. Me being me, and often shunning comen sense, I dismissed advisement that the road was 12 miles lon and accepted advisement that it was 2 miles long. In lieu of BLT, I raced down (up) Bear Notch Road as quickly as I could push, forever looking for its crest. 4 or 5 miles later, after sunset but yet before twilight, close but still not at the top, I acepted a ride to the Kancamagus Bear Notch intersection from a spontaneous volunteer rescue party. Thumbing it back to North Conway after dark went off without a hitch, well actually with two hitches.

And finally there was Wonderful Wednesday- Wonderful Wednesday where I wed the wonderment that is Mount Washington Valley.
Wednesday found me exiting a car beyond Bartlett, beyond even Hart's Location.
Wednesday found me making a (now customary) late start but gifted me with transport to resynchronise my schedule with the aproach of sunset.
Wednesday allowed me once again to travel through Crawford Notch but withheld the catharsis that had cleansed me the last time I had crested.
Instead Wednesday offered me the contemplative beauty of the grasses along route 302 approaching twin Mountain. Greens beneath, reds above, varied honey wheat throughout.

The Wednesday gave me Zealand Road. Liz provided support throughout the day. Assistant Coach Liz- Team Us member Liz.

On Wednesday, at sunset, Liz drove from Twin Mountain to Zealand while I ate a tunafish sub from Quizno's.
On Wednesday, at twilight, I had the oppurtunity to push as quickly as I could up Zealand Road, getting proper cardio on the shallow incline of the dirt road.
On Wednesday, well after twilight, for the first time ever, I finally linked up and identified the Little Dipper. If you can juggle four balls, juggling three might not seem like all that much- still, I saw the Little Dipper.

Finally Wednesday, just to show off its richness and generosity, gave me me: me lying down upon Zealand and looking up at all that is not Zealand and not New Hampshire and not myself or us or you. Wednesday gave me about the biggest shooting star I'd ever seen. Wednesday gave me the chance to make a wish. I tried my best to wish rightly. I attempted to wish with gratitude and humility, and maybe courage as well.

Exponential Pales

2006-08-29T11:05:00.000-04:00

Last week- Wednesday, Thursday, Friday- I rolled my wheelchair from North Conway up route 302 into Crawford Notch.

Wednesday night I thought I went really far but that was okay because as far as I got was only half way since I rolled all the way back to North Conway.

Thursday I got that late start mentioned in the last entry here and gee but I thought I had gone really far because I went almost as far away from North Conway as I had the day before. Through luck and generosity and local people's "like-mindedness" I managed a ride back into North conway on Thursday night. Although in a certain sense the hiking and collaborating went on till quite late, in another sense I hadn't gone nearly as far as I thought.

This was revealed to me on Friday when I actually did travel from North Conway to the Appalachian Mountain Club's lodge at the top of Crawford Notch. Turns out all the really good uphill and all the really spectacular mountain scenery doesn't even start till a ways past my end point of the previous two days. Gosh but I was slightly embarassed to have been thinking I had just about knocked out the ride the past two days and for thinking I was justified in feeling that I had acomplished something. Route 302 through Crawford Notch is an exponential sort of journey. Every half mile is super awesome and super great-- but it all pales in comparison to the subsequent half mile.

I went from finally achieving strong focus and aggressive cadence to pushing even harder with clenched jaw. This went to hard push with jaw agape. Then I realised just how big my surroundings were and I surged onward sort of carrying my jaw in my lap. Finally the hills formed the road into something marvelously challenging in the midst of sublime beauty. I inched along working harder than I had all day. I wasn't even amazed looking anymore, I was simply wearing a giant smile, so happy to be there experiencing, so grateful for such a magificent possibility.

The crest of the hill drew me through itself. In the way of the spasmodic tumult of child birth I exited the mountainous containment of the notch and apeared upon a plain. Soft, serene, and sunny- I was quite moved, overwhelmed at first, but my calmness returned. In a sense this all was like being born- optimism, then hope, then commitment, then physicality, then agony, then release, and finally a sort of informed quiet.

Late Start

2006-08-24T10:09:00.000-04:00

Today is Thursday, the 24th of August.

I have laundry to do, wheelchair cushion adjustment to carry out, Bach tickets to buy (???), lots of other organisational details to address, plus I want to go back up to Crawford Notch. I'd like to leave about three hours ago.

Clean up chores got pretty involved last night. Didn't lay down till past midnight. Got more clean up to do this morning before I head out. That's okay though because I am planning to get up around five this morning after going to bed around nine last night. Except I didn't lay down at 9. And I didn't get up till 8. Looks like the body is enjoying a rest morning while I get off to a late start.

Saturday and Sunday were actual rest days.

Monday was an adventurous trip up the service road at Cranmore Mountain Ski resort. I traveled up and down with a local woman named Sally. Saly is not very big, but turns out she is quite a power house. We had brought a tether on our walk in case she needed it to slow me down on descent. Turns out the way up was so chalenging that we threw on the tether and Sally "assisted" me on the upward journey. She assisted me on the way down at steeper places also. So I'm thinking that with this dynamo dragging me up steep grass and rock paths I won't get much of a workout. Totally wrong! I had to keep a pretty high cadence to keep the tether a bit slack. Sally was complaining about the excessive number of rest stops. I was a bit frustrated because we hardly stopped at all. All in all, I was fairly blown out that night. I had no problem sleeping in on Tuesday.

Wednesday, yesterday, was head up Route 302 as far as you care to day. In all I think I did over 35 miles. I got into a valley called Crawford Notch. I traveled as far as the Appalachian Trail connection on 302. Later I learned that their is an Appalachian Mountain Club building maybe 3 miles further uo the hill. I turned back when I did in order to get back to North Conway by dark. Hopefully in the next hour or so I will leave North Conway and make it to that AMC lodge. I have arranged a few possibilities for a ride back so that I can spend more time travelling northward, travelling uphill.

Rest Day

2006-08-19T09:11:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, Friday, was a rest day after having pushed up the Auto road the previous day.

What do wheelchair users with very tender hands and partly depleted muscles do on rest day, when they actually do need rest?

Well me at least, I sat in a kayak and paddled up and down the Saco river just accross the New Hampshire Maine border. Jean Lee aranged to take her, her son, myself and a young friend of her son on a boating mission. We paddled quite leisurely. many who only floated passed us by. I paddled up and down the Saco a fair bit, saying hello to many of the parade of boaters out enjoying the peace and natural beauty. The SAaco was kind of a promenade yesterday, what with the excellent weather and all.

I had the chance to swim some- something I haven't done since last year's time in New Hampshire. We picked up over a hundred pounds of trash- a fair bit Jean snorkled up from river bottom. I even got to jump off a rope swing- this is something I haven't done in 15 years- since the last time I jumped into water and burst fractured a vertebra.

This time water entry was from maybe ten feet, instead of ten or so times that much. This time I wasn't so in over my head, though of course the water level was well over my head. Looking at my shadow on the water surface while falling after letting go of the rope reminded me of a time maybe twenty years ago at a rope swing on the Perkiomen Creek in Pennsylvania. That time the swing was much more dramatic. But just like yesterday, the water was refreshing and welcoming. Yesterday, just like that time from twenty years ago, the shadow I saw at rope release was me.

Tourist Attraction

2006-08-17T23:10:00.000-04:00

Today I rolled my wheelchair from the base to the summit of Mount washington, the highest place in the north eastern United States. I started at 7:30 am. I topped out at 2:48 pm. many people offered me encouragement along the way. I actually had large vanloads of children cheering me on. At the top I had many people ask to have thier picture taken with me. I began to realise that maybe I was a tourist attraction for those who chose to drive up Mount Washington's Auto road.

Really though, it made an impresion on me as I realised, about a half mile below the summit, that a lot of people were deeply impressed by my little choic e of summer recreation. I was moved by all this. I regained my composure beore reaching the top and the round of apluase from the tourists who assembled to watch me finish up. I was grunting and wincing by the time I finished, more so from painfully tender hands than the steep final few hundred yards.

It did seem slightly like being Smokey the bear or Mickey Mouse or something- all the people who asked to have thier picture taken with me. I did my best to be gracious and friendly. It was fun, but it was also kind of like a responsibility.

Anyway, hopefully I'll take a few days to let my hands and muscles recover properly and then I'll do some more practice runs around North Conway. I'd like to go up Mount Washington again before I lleave New Hampshire. Maybe I could do the trip more quickly. Maybe I could start from further away than right at the base. Maybe I will.

Almost Ready

2006-08-16T14:04:00.000-04:00

Today is Wednesday, the 16th of August.

Tomorrow, Thursday, I intend to get on Mount Washington's Auto Road and once again make a push for the top.

Today I am in he midst of a second rest day in a row. Today I am getting things organised for tomorrow's "ride".

Sleeping bag and cushion, camp stove and coffee, sport drink and water, energy bars and other stuff ...

Calls and hellos in to my North Conway suport crew, arrangements at Mount Washington, hopefully some quiet time for the partly neglected journal .........

Sunday was Intervale to Mount Washington's base, past Pinkham Notch; and then return to Dana Place. I could brag vaguely that it was 25 or 30 miles. I'm certain it was over 20 but 4 or more were downhill. I keep wanting to check distances properly on a map. I keep not doing so ................

Monday was four runs up Cathedral Ledge Road, after breakfast at Nere Ledge Inn- a bed & breakfast spot near the bottom of this road. I started with about four quarts of beverage, consuming roughly one quart per climb. All four pushes up were under fourty minutes. I was a bit lighter with each one. The last two required a bit of distraction pain and tedium-wise. Turns out the third run was about 1600 pushes of the wheelchair wheels. The final run was about 1500 pushes .....................

Yesterday my arms were burning just rolling up teh street from the Lee family's house. I had managed pretty good depletion on the Cathedral Ledge Road. That night, through the kind assistance of a recent acquaintance, I had spaghetti and meatballs for dinner. Last night I met up with Coach Tim martel and had chicken fettucini for dinner. We'll see what this evening brings. But presently I will be cooking up some afternoon pancakes ................................................. .

Training and Trying

2006-08-12T13:21:00.000-04:00

I've been in New Hampshire for 7 days now. I come here specificaly with the intention of "cleaning up my act" and pushing my wheelchair along long distances and up steep hills to prepare to once again ascend the Autoroad on Mount Washington.

Sunday included an approximately four mile circuit, about a mile of it up a medium steep hill.

Monday was mostly easy highway grade, though it was over four hours and maybe 16 miles. The scenery was pretty good, New hampshire mountains and woodlands. I traveled from Intervale, just north of North Conway, to Jackson, further north, then back.

Tuesday was better. I went to Town Hall Road. Town hall allows one to push along five or so miles of dirt road, getting harder with looser stones as you go. Then there is the trip back.... I was tired after this one.

Wedneday was awesome. Right smack in the mountains and woodlands. Many beautiful sights. A good distance of pretty hard hills and even a smattering of very hard hill. By the end I was stiff and dizzy and ready for a rest day.

Thursday was rest day, clean up day, and a-bit of-organising day.

Friday was hard hill day. Hurricane Mountain Road has 2.2 miles of 15% grade up one side and 1.3 miles of 17% grade up the other side. Each side took about the same length of time. After doing the 15% side, ane getting ready at the bottom of the 17% side, I sat imagining doing the 15% side once again after topping the 17% side. By the time I did top out the 17% side, I was a fair amount more humble than I had been beforehand. The scenery was beautiful, cool shade from trees and a stream on the one side, daunting steep parts and a rewaeding view on the other side. I was pretty exhausted on Friday evening, yesterday.

Today, Saturday is rest day again. I am doing further organising, like trying to get pictures in order for the Kinetics page; also writing this entry to get the whole blog thing moving. A number of other points will hopefully be addressed today. Then by bedtime hopefully I will have an itinerary set for tomorrow.

Before I close I must mention the strong support I have received from Jean Lee. She had invited me to stay with her and her family to get this whole project started. I have been partaking of her family's generosity for a week now and I have them to thank for the wonderful experience so far.

Posting From Here, Whilst In New Hampshire

2006-08-11T02:41:00.000-04:00

Love gives and love takes away

Love builds and love destroys

Together is and together is not

Giving gives and so giving rejoices

There is wanting

There is imagination

There is knowledge and hope and hopefully wisdom

There are the past, the present, and almost always the future

While we are here now

We also will have been and still we will want to be

Not before or after or even right this second

Just here now

The Second??

2006-08-02T15:00:00.000-04:00

Okay, today is August 2nd. I'm still in East Lansdowne, sweating away and loving it. The only major problem is that I'm still in East Lansdowne, sweating away and loving it.

Got some mailings to get out. Got some people yet to visit. Got a trip to get started on- got my next quixotic quest to throw into gear.

Where is Sancho Panza and who is Dulcinea del Toboso?

Yesterday I wrote a few pages worth on the legal pad thinking to get a clever posting up. Today I think this is about it- where is my aide and who is my muse- .
Maybe soon I will add more.
Maybe soon I will pack and start North.

Virtually Emty Handed

2006-07-28T02:33:00.000-04:00

I have four brothers.

I have two sisters.

I have two parents.

Considering these eight people we have seven plus nine makes sixteen offspring from various members of the group.

I so want my life. One of the reasons I have so much fun being me is because I'm part of this.

I enjoy being rich ... -ly blessed with caring family.

Here ... Now

2006-07-27T05:16:00.000-04:00

I so want my life.

Quixotic Ideology

2006-07-23T22:15:00.000-04:00

I think maybe I am just another freak in a world where everybody but me is actually normal and not freakish. You know, as if these are two different things- normalcy and freakishness.

And furthermore, I am no longer haunted by feelings of being right or correct or brave. I am starting to realise my cowardice. It shows itself as avoidance. There is avoidance of confrontation and avoidance of finality and avoidance of frustration and avoidance of not getting as far as I would like to get if I did try and push harder at the things I am not quite managing to really push hard enough at. These are all the same though, basically. Basically I am afraid of being real, being less than what I delusionally/deludedly imagine I could be.

Really though, what else could I be beside real? I am really honestly here typing this. Even if it is done half heartedly, or in bad faith or what ever, it is what I am doing, and I'm doing it now. I'm starting to think that the text should run back and forth, instead of always going in the same direction. Does that make me freakish? I mean the eye is already at the right side of the page... why not start reading from that side at the next line? But so is it normal to think like that? I do get a little worried that actually creating text like this might put me in a separate category from "normal" ... because doing so sounds like a good idea to me.

Like maybe it would be heroic to make a text editor that ran back and forth from either side of the page. Like maybe it would be a grand social experiment in making human life better, more comfortable- like learning to use fire and nuclear energy and stuff. But maybe actually making that text editor would be a sign of insanity. Now I'm thinking such software would be Quixotic Ideology at it's best. Rolling my wheelchair-bahh .... I need to become a proper software engineer.

Sightedness & Sighted-not-ness

2006-07-18T06:18:00.000-04:00

I look at my arm. There are red spots on it. No, silly, it's not measels- it's the sun shining through the little holes where the venetiain blind peices are connected by their string. Now I'm noticing red light splayed out on the counter- not a counter but a wooden radiator cover constructed by my adroit brother Tom. geez, it's on the pillow now also. God it's on my shoulder now.

What is up with life being super wonderful? Ehat need is there of rhetoric when we have beautiful red light to look at first thing after sunrise? Aw no, it's orange already. Soon it will be yellow and then just plain old white.

Anyway, thank you powers-that-be, Mr. God, Mrs. God .... whoever is responsible.

How many times have I marveled at redness in evening light? When ever have I felt grateful for the rednessw of morning light? How will I keep my physics-of-dust-accumulating-throughout-the-day-explanation of redness at evening?

It's like yellowish orange on the pillow. The wooden top is in shadow. My arm bears no jewels, not red ones, not orange ones, none.

It's practically white on the pillow, but there are slightly yellowish beads on my arm. They're shrinking.

Life is lived in gulps and moments and the spaces in between these.

The pillow is in shadow. I've got little bits of light on my torso with a hint of color. That must mean it's time for bed.

Wheelchair-athon

2006-07-14T19:13:00.000-04:00

Lately legal pads have been outdoing computer keys by far.

Legal pads are good for half thought ideas, or maybe fully thought thoughts which are floating in the myth of later completion., and greater conection. I've got lots of pieces and parts but it seems that the pile of legal pads is doubling up and I still have not properly sorted through the earlier ones. Now is this the case with creativity or am I in denial or avoidance or is reality simply my sarcophagus......

Anyway, the legal pads are doing good and I'm anxious that I don't connect things together into longer things and stronger things.

Physical activity, endurance: I did 22 or so miles on Sunday last. I'd been wanting to for two weeks before that, a fortnight it would be if I were doing my wanting from within the UK.

So it was good. I put my cash up for cancer research and got my number, my two numbers actually- two twin numbers, each number identical to the other. It reminded me of waiting backstage to dance. I sat amongst the ghordes of bicyclists and stretched my arms while they stretched their legs. I drank my water and didn't look too urgently into the eyes of the others. Then son enough, after another couple pages of Life of Pi, it was over to the start line as time inched closer to the 10 AM start.

The compliments and flattery started early and flowed freely all day. I was the oddball, twice as many wheels, four or five times as much seating area and no gears whatsoever. Anyway, folks were jazzed to pass me by. People were calling me hero and inspirational and thanking me for existing. I did my best to say thank you and remind people that they also were doing good. Secretly I enjoyed the heck out of the attention. The last mile in toward the finish line I got a lot of beeping from cyclists in thier cars, heading on home. All these people had pased me on thrir way in. I started getting a kick out of the special treatment (the bicyclists were not getting beeps). The last two hundred yards, maybe four hundred yards, were fairly thunderous, loads of applause, the level picking up as I approached. Now I was grinning, not even bothering to feel embarassed or such, just basking in the fun of it all.

Then finally beyond the finish line, I caught up with family. They'd all passed me on the way in. I actually surprised them by being there at al. I hadn't revealed my plans and started two hours later than them from 35 miles closer. Everybody was pleased to see me except maybe Becca who puzzlingly said, "Unca Sean what are you doin' ?" My brother Bill was kind enough to double back and do the gauntlet of well-wishing alongside me. It was fun having my brother beside me

As I settled down I took off my pack and pulled out a towel. I wet the towel some and wiped my face and arms. Of course I removed my shirt and further wiped down. Then I noticed I was not so humble after all. I can kid myself if I want, but I was well aware of the group of female cyclists sitting not far away.

All in all, partly I'm a show off, partly I'm an exhibitionist, but partly also I am humble and I do enjoy the physical exertion and the mental discipline of continuing when it gets uncomfortable, and even partly I am a bit of a hero. Little me in my wheelchair, I had the oppurtunity to stop and loan out my pump and help a bicyclist fix a flat. Lowly me, I had the oppurtunity to help a walking bicyclist fuel up with my gatoraid and remount his steed. He was between chemo treatments, he was my hero.

Wanting to Write

2006-07-09T02:30:00.000-04:00

I didn't sleep till past 7 AM.
I cried before I slept.

The fuzzy-dizzy feeling, it is like the feeling of accelerating.

The feeling of excitement at the start of a love relationship. This can create the dizzyness.

To learn something in axiomatic fashion, to stack ideas and climb to height-- this makes me dizzy.

To look deep in the sky or far down to earth-- again I am euphoric, again I am moved, again there is a changing, a differing.

To be again as I once was

To have been as I will be

When shall I know and what shall I see

Now I am nothing although this is something

I want to go to sleep
I wish to feel protected
I desire to be held

Am I more than what I am not
Is there anything beyond
That which I am

Having change: sensing sensing

Is there stillness
Is there quiet
Is there there, or is there only here?

Spinning With or Spinning Without

2006-06-26T21:49:00.000-04:00

It is Monday night, 9:46, last Monday ever of this month in this particular year.

I have a valid driver's license. I have a title to a car, in someone else's name.

I have a laptop computer. I have a camera and printer to go with it. Although I am getting used to the laptop, I have made little or no progress with the other two items as of yet. I haven't yet dealt with warranty and registration issues either.

Gee, that is about like the car. I have to get the title into my name so I can get insurance so I can move the vehicle, install hand controls and get used to driving it. Then once I do that I can spend six months using it and decide if it is worth the expense- if it is worth it- if it enhances my lifestyle in a positive mannner. Hey, is that redundant? Is it possible to enhance something in a negative way? Yes, it appears in Merriam-Webster Online that enhancement is specifically a positive change. So that means that in the phrase "if it enhances my lifestyle in a positive manner" the "in a positive manner" does not enhance the phrase. But then what if it were the case that I was trying to express compulsion, a sort of over-thinking things kind of process. I'm thinking maybe that's my thing. But what is the value in it except to maybe drive myself and others completely bonkers? -or maybe simply have me wind up typing alone to myself and wonder why nobody cares for my clever commentary?

Gosh and golly. Eventually I will have some idea if laptops and digital cameras and 1989 minvans are worth owning... are worth my owning them.

So what of New Hampshire and the Autoroad and the next trip to Red Lake Falls for further residency at the antFarm? What of getting my body in top condition and likewise putting proper challenge to my mind, my intellect, my intuitive powers and judgement skills? What of having a trailer behind my wheelchair and spending a week in Rocky Mountain national Park? What of the thick pile of rag paper that only has one sheet so far being worked on?

Is doing one's best simply a truism or is there realy any truth to the concept?
Is it possible to do other than your best?
Is what we choose and what we do anything but the most correct path at that particular moment?
How can I not do my best?
How ever will it be that I actually truthfully do do my best?

Determinism <> Free Will

2006-06-20T23:54:00.000-04:00

black or white <> spectrum
countable <> uncountable
macroscopic <> microscopic

deductive <> inductive

I think that summer solstice occurs at 4:26 in the afternoon, EST of course, today- Wednesday. I hope to try and push far.
Right, well... actually it was 8:26 in the a.m.- minor math error.

Okay, days later, pasta and green beans waiting. Wednesday, solstice day, what was the big push, what was the commemoration, what was the movement, the activity????

(save as draft)

Okay- so this all appears lost and hidden enough.

Wednesday was the day that the laptop arived. It actually was delivered not long after 8:26, so we'll call this the solstice event.

I was working with my father one summer evening when he mentioned that today was the longest day. I was 18. I often used to like to hold barbeque type events at solstice and equinox time. A few years back I was constructing a work shed. I included plans for lines marking sun location. Celtic architecture was an influence.

I've got the portable computer, the camera and the printer. The last two are not so portable. The first seems vulnerable.

Been picking away at the three, ever so slowly. Much yet to do.

My Presence at Present

2006-06-14T21:49:00.000-04:00

Okay, so it is spring, nearly summer, and I sit here as always- doubting myself and picturing myself and not even knowing if there is any such thing as my self.

Now, of course I'm a bit over-board and of course this likely sounds like an unhealthy level of self absorption- but this is me right now.

Spend 8 months trying to responsibly research and organise a purchase of computer equipment. I think this time I may have succeeded in making the purchase. My head is swimming in it at the moment:
Did I buy the right stuff?
Did I spend the right amount of money?
Is there any way the purchase will not devolve into doubt and frustration?
Will I be okay?

Maybe I'm letting common sense get in the way.

What about keeping up better at this blog when I'm between adventures or fundamentally preoccupied?

What about accomplishing more of the so many things I think I want to be doing?

What about the idea that I could be sounding weak and neurotic instead of strong and focussed and visionary?

I can say that I like the idea of communicating something of the self doubt and circular thinking that is me at the moment.

Wait a second: Jeremiah was a bullfrog.

Okay, back to the front line report from the consciousness that seems to be me: Well, what else could it be? Is it you I'm writing about? Do you even exist? Holy cow, do I really even exist? Am I more than just some part of you, some thing hidden somewhere inside your consciousness?

Well, anyway, I'm back in East Lansdowne where it all started. I've had coffee with my mom, dinner also. I've had time with some brothers, sisters, neices and nephews. I've read a couple books. I've had quiet time and loud time at the same exact time.

Is there any merit to what I'm writing?
Golly gosh, is there any merit to having merit?

Someone somewhere may enjoy this. Somebody somehow might find hidden here a catalyst, a motivation, a way to grasp an insight.

Best wishes.

Left Turns and Cross Traffic

2006-05-29T23:20:00.000-04:00

June 2, 1:06 AM

Selected the above title while back seating on the way to the Perkiomen Creek area last Sunday. The last bits of ball point ink are just fading from my left palm today, well yesterday at this point.

So the next post (this one) is supposed to be about going up Mount Washington's Autoroad.

I learned the phrase "I'm of two minds" or is it "I'm in two minds" well I guess it would be "two minds are in me" before it could ever be "I'm in two minds" so it must have been "I'm of two minds". Anyway I learned this phrase in the UK. It means you are pulled in different directions, trying to figure which fork to take.

Another phrase I learned in England: "I'm not bothered". This one is good. On the outside it looks like a person is stating that they are flexible and not concerned with choosing between options. On the inside though, what it really means is that the individual using the expression is actually so bothered that decision is futile.

Anyway, I'm of 2.7 minds and I am bothered.

Vijay made it to the two mile marker. I went past the five mile marker. I got a bit bothered and called it for the day. We had excellent suport from Jean Lee. She is a North Conway local, a bicyclist, and a stay at home mom- or mum as they say in the UK. Now Vijay knows the road is challenging. Now Sean knows he didn't see the snow he was hoping to see. Now Jean knows what it is like to be near the treeline on the Autoroad with zero traffic.

Overall it couldn't have been better. Now to take a moment and step away from existential truisms: The day we went up the Autoroad was the first sunny day that that area had seen in a month. Having the sun ride with us on our trip up the Autoroad gave me a feeling of priviledge and specialness.

The road is still there. I am of 2.84 minds now and yes, I'm still bothered. Vijay will be doing handcycling in Colorado on less steep roads next. I will be going back to North Conway in a few weeks. Jean will be going to the woods.

More later then?

Love My Dogs

2006-05-28T12:00:00.000-04:00

So now I'm back home in East Lansdowne. The neighbor's dogs bark incessantly when ever they see someone within 20 yards of their yard. That means when ever I go outside onto the wheelchair ramp they start barking. And that means that making a phonecall in semi-privacy involves a good bit of background noise.

The bus trip on Saturday from North Conway, NH, to Philadelphia, PA, was fairly uneventful once the bus had gotten out of North Conway.

The meeting on Friday evening with Cliff Cabral for dinner at the Moat in North Conway was pleasant. The Cajun Blackened Catfish was awesome. I remember why I always got it when I was in North Conway last August.

The trip on Thursday up the Autoroad was less than awesome. I wound up getting disinterested at about 5.5 miles. Actually [more to write but putting this much online now].

At the moment, after getting back from some proper introspection time at the local introspection shelter- I love my dogs.

What are my dogs? My dogs would have to be my hands. I don't use my feet and my hands are pretty much callused up real good from loads of wheel pushing. Partly I discontinued the push up the Autoroad to keep my hands handy. They were getting sore and I thought it wise to not let them get too sore.

Again, I love my dogs.

What are my dogs? My dogs are the many thoughts I hold which motivate me to allow interpersonal experience to dog me, slow me down, act in ways which some call disfunctional and/or codependant. I think it best to keep my dogs and attend to my dogs. The big thing here is to realise whether a dog belongs to me or my neighbor.

Now if a dog belongs to my neighbor and not to me, it seems I want to try harder to address the fact that it bothers me when the neighbor's dogs bark incessantly and thereby stifle my behavior in some small to medium to at times very large way.

What the Heart's Denied

2006-05-26T14:14:00.000-04:00

Since last posting, the following days have gone both from the future and the present and are now residing in the past.
[ Saturday, May 20 2006
[ Sunday, May 21 2006
[ Monday, May 22 2006
[ Tuesday, May 23 2006
[ Wednesday, May 24 2006
[ Thursday, May 25 2006

The following date has moved from the future to the present. To my knowledge, at the present time this date has not yet entered the realm of things past.
[ Friday, May 26 2006

Vijay Viswanathan showed in North Conway Friday evening. I had a very enjoyable wheelchair pushing workout that evening. It's highlight was a mad grunting and going for it during the last fith or so of the distance covered.

I discovered chocolate milk as a muscle recovery beverage after this workout. I figure a quart has to have a fair amount both of sugar and protein.

Saturday was assemble Vijay's handcycle day. Vijay is a paraplegic. He brought a hand powered recumbent three wheeler for his "miling". We covered a good amount of distance, maybe eight miles, just doing errands and shopping and such.

Hmm, Sunday- Sunday had us covering more miles, this time without too many errands or too much shopping to get in the way. A good distance on the flats was followed by a prpoer trip up the hill which leads to the top of Cathedral Ledge. It is about a mile in length and it was about at the limit of Vijay's front wheel drive hand cycle. We did make it all the way up. It did rain through the entire workout.

Monday we left the Schoolhouse Motel in North Conway and went to Appalchian Mountain Club lodging in Pinkham Notch. This lodging left us only a short distance from the Mount Washington Autoroad. The kindness of a local woman, Mrs. Jean Lee, became very instrumental on this day. She carried us and our gear from the North Conway motel to the AMC Joe Dodge Lodge, 15 miles north, into the heart of the Presidential Mountain Range. Dinner at the AMC was satisfying socially as well as nutritionally. We made useful connections, shared loads of fun stories, and stretched the belly just about the perfect amount.

Okay, Tuesday- Wednesday saw "Team Us" come into full bloom. I think Team Us is basically me and whomever else gets wrapped up in these crazy wheelchair projects. Well... Team Us is me and Vijay and whom ever facilitates our effort to get up Mount Washington. Pete rode his bicycle from the AMC the few miles over to the Autoroad and back. We went there to show the road to Vijay, see how his handcycle handled the incline, and make introductions. The highlight was on the reurn to the AMC. The Autoroad manager, Howie Weemys, happened to be returning from a shopping excursion with his wife and pulled over on the highway to say hello. And all the while we looked like we were in the midst of working out. Points were scored.

Wednesay was general rest day and move gear to the yurt at the base of Mount Washington day and eat corn roasted on the outdoor fire day and eat macaroni and cheese heated on the indoor fire day.

Enough said for the moment. There is pizza waiting for me in the next room and I am pressured by the existance of other people in the universe and I am thankful to people and I am of two minds and I get uptight over nothing and everything is fine and I'm gonna write about the road-climb in a separate entry and I hope this present entry does not sound too rushed or lacking in sensitivity or barren of a proper amount of HiddenSomewhere introspection.

Juggling and Biting and Reflecting

2006-05-19T15:16:00.000-04:00

So I took a bus from Saint Paul, MN, to North Conway, NH.

I didn't know what to expect from 48 hours of travel by Greyhound. It turned out to be a bit surreal but not too unpleasant. For most of the trip I was allowed the front row passenger side seat all to myself. This allowed me to lay on my side if I tried to sleep. I didn't want to worry about pressure sore risk from sitting uprightbut staying still. One evening was bad with a man next to me and things quite cramped, but I was able to take it in stride. It sure is a nice part of getting older that I am more able to get less upset and look past inconveniences and perceived unfairness. Of course at the same time I wind up worrying that I don't defend myself well enough at times. Big juggling act I guess. Ultimately though, less anger and less worry is good.

The sleep deprivation was interesting. The journey sort of took on an epic and romantic quality. The passing of different sorts of terrain, the notice of different sorts of human settlement, the appreciation of different sorts of people in different places. I think I'll have to try it again.

The evening after arriving in North Conway saw my first training exercise: Hurricane Mountain Road. I looked in the warm sun from the base and saw the top shrouded in cloud. Wow, I thought, the desire to reach up and touch a cloud. Here was my chance to do just that. The road was steep and in places quite challenging. At only two miles of the really hard stuff, it wasn't all that bad, but there were places where I had to suspend judgement and concentrate on just the present single push. It worked and I made it into a beautiful fog at the crest of the hill. The dampness, the eeerie quality, the trees and the leaves on the forest floor and the quite. It was like having bread pudding for dessert- except that I was sat at the top eating trail mix and not warm pudding- but the trail mix did have chocolate chips in it- and I was definitely noticing every one I bit down upon.

Well, the typical not much time, gotta go get onto the other things I'd hope to already be doing hours ago. Reflection is such a luxury at moments.

Work in Progress

2006-05-16T00:46:00.000-04:00

This is the final entry related to a month long stay in northern Minnesota at the antFarm.
I am writing from Saint Paulthis morning; preparing to board a Greyhound bus today and travel to North Conway, New Hampshire.

Day 27: Thursday, May 11

Hmm, Lars and Linda are coming in tonight. Gotta get this drawing done. Was actually hoping to do another as well. A composition change will allow me to place the drawing in the "done pile" this afternoon.

My tendonitis problem is receding nicely with ice, ibuprofen and rest.

The big issue today and the past few days is developing flexibility to allow for changes in a relationship of the past six months.

Day 28: Friday, May 12

Down to the river I go, with Lars and Glenn. Today we use Glenn's pick-up truck to speed the processs. It turns out that Lars' critique of my raft building project is very similar to Glenn's previous critique. On the one hand the work could be considered powerful since a similar response was elicited from two individuals.On the other hand though, the raft building project can be considered a loss and my "don't let common sense get in the way" philosophy could be considered an obstacle since both observers saw the work as overly nihilistic and otherwise without value.

Not a problem. Life is still life and time is still time. I am excited to feel myself wanting to get at that last sheet with some ballpoint pens and another long division.

Day 29: Saturday, May 13

Saturday morning I woke up after having dreamt about a ball point pen running out of ink. On the one hand maybe my numebr drawings are fruitless. On the other hand it is possible that the inkles pen is speaking of a different part of my life entirely. It always gives me increased confidence to remember images of my artwork appearing in my dreams.

Toight is big-fire night. Lars and Glenn have been doing some yard work while I sit working at a next long division: 1/179.

Tonight is scratch-your-eye-with-a-stick night. Appears I got a bit overexuberant picking up kindling and now I'm considering the posibility of a parrot to compliment the one-eye look.

Tonight is hold-steak-in-your-two-hands-and-bite-at-it night. Gosh but I'm hungry by the time wwe pull the meat off the fire. There are roast pepers and potatoes comong soon.

Day 30: Sunday, May 14

Today is wonder-how-badly- you-injured-your-eyeballday. We put gause over it and let it just rest. A bit of rinsing, a bit of visine, and a small to medium size pile of worry: our chosen method of care.

It is burn-the-rest-of-the-bee-boxes day. Glenn and Linda mave set up bee hives. Theye are getting into bee keepiing. There were old half rotten hive parts which Glenn decided would be best burnt so that the new bees aren't put at any sort of risk of old bee box sickness. Lars and I were happy to sit mostly quiet on a mild Sunday afternoon and sort the fire. The coals were still going strong from last night.

And finally today is get-your-head-together-because-you're-leaving-tomorrow day...

Day 31: Monday, May 15

Linda went back to Saint Paul yesterday evening. This morning Glenn and Lars and I drive from Red Lake Falls to the Minneapolis/St.Paul airport for Lars' flight.

I keep my eyes shut most fo the drive down to keep healing that scratch.

We get back early and so go to the Mall of America, the biggest mall in the country. I am hoping to complete an Apple computer purchase which I'd attempted online a week ago. Low and behold- my bank card will not give the required amount of cash- I'd have to purchase the computer over the course of a few days. I did purchase a cell phone and calling plan of my very own-- and get to the eye doctor-- and buy a little eye dropper thing full of medicine that cost as much as the phone-- which would have been free if I were willing to go a two year plan instead of one.
----------------------------------------------------
So finally, this is all a pile of fractures at the moment--- Lars got to the airport and Glenn got back home, though with Sean in tow.

Another good dinner. Excellent company and conversation. Some time spent trying to speak seriously about the antFarm's future and how Sean might fit.
----------------------------------------------------

Day 32: Tuesday, May 16

I am sat revising the entry I posted last night. I've had coffee. My belly is almost ready for a banana. I need to repack and prepare to sit on a bus for two day. On Thursday I will be back in North Conway. About a year ago I started pushing my wheelchair up steps and up steep hills in preparation for an initial go at the Mount washington Autoroad. Thursday I meet up with another wheeelchair user- Vijay Viswanathan- and preparee to try the road again.

This whole blog thing started as I was readying last July to train for a second go at the Autoroad. The blog is active. I am definitely not as fit as I was at the end of August. A month from now I should have new computer and camera and printer/scanner equipment. That will enhance the style of expression which I have been developing. It will be part of what I do as an antFarmer.

So the entire antFarm thing is a Work in Progress.
We will do more.

The Good Life

2006-05-11T01:49:00.000-04:00

Day 24: Monday, May 8
Glenn took us to his folks’ place for lunch/supper. Seven seated at table. Mrs. Schafer remarked that the kitchen temperature was slightly cool because the buns were taking their time rising.

We went to the main garage/barn/work-space with the new bearings I’d ordered and he made quick work of replacing those into my wheelchair’s caster housings.

We traveled on in his pickup truck to town. My wrist has acted up again and I’m trying to play the whole rest, ice and ibuprofen game. I finally got out a package I’ve been trying to send for quite some time- turns out I misaddressed it and cost extra time time. Then we dropped off the recycling. Then bought beer.

I worked further on the number drawing I’d started. I changed my path some to speed completion. I’m thinking about time growing short now.

Day 25: Tuesday, May 9

Blow-out day. End-of-insecurity-and-confusion-and-sitting-on-a-certain-painful-type-of-wondering-day. Things-can-start-getting-better-now-day. It’s-time-to-get-your-self-better-sorted-and-try-not-to-make-these-mistakes-again day. I-will-commit-more-firmly-to-the-antFarm-instead-of-kidding-myself-back-in-Boulder day!

Day 26: Wednesday, May 10

Okay, so I relish in self pity and enjoy being hurt. Is that a crime? I’ve got a lot on my mind and I’m not gonna bore you too badly with it- another noncrime.

The number drawing has sat while I’ve been busy getting done doing all the things I’ve been getting done doing the past two days. That’s the biggest crime so far listed. I will come back here in June. I won’t have a timeline. Maybe, hopefully I will be more at ease with my feelings and push the paper mache` and number drawing stuff without the baggage of having tried to, having made the effort to, having .... I am so sore inside in certain ways. There is this hand drawing stuff too. It all has this certain baggage attached to it from having started it all then having put it down when I didn’t want to.

Stop-feeling-pity-for-your-self-real-soon-please day!

Lars Kremer and Linda Schafer show up tomorrow afternoon. There will be all of us here at the antFarm.

I’ve sorted out that after I leave here soon, I will come back again soon and do more stuff. At this time, at this moment, this is what success is.

Needles and Threads

2006-05-08T19:25:00.000-04:00

Day 23: Sunday, May 7

---------------------------------

why questions but not answers

why blunders, why mistakes, why failure, why pain, why hardship

to not be is to be acutely so

to be less than is to approach truth

to be lost in the black swamp of doubt and despair is to fully be at ease on the bright hard rock of confidence and clarity

excellence through mediocrity, the whole entire thing through its many infinitesimal parts

this is madness but weakness is strength

I don’t believe in stopping

I don’t believe in accepting

some how for it to be involuntary

feeling compelled toward the counterintuitive

I believe the unnatural to be the highest form of human nature

---------------------------------

Today included the usual soul searching and introspection. I made an effort to note some of it.

Today included a brief glimpse of a bald eagle.

Today I iced my right wrist twice.

Today I sat many hours at the table working on a number drawing. The Minnesota classical radio station in the background was soothing. I read further from a book of essays by a Minnesota naturalist. That was comforting also.

Now it is very late and I ought to lie down.

Still Here, Still Trying

2006-05-07T19:49:00.000-04:00

Day 19: Wednesday, May 3

Angries in? Passive Agression?? Self Help???

No, that was the tail end of the night. Elsewise, the day was… no, including that the day was great, well normal- most days are great.

So I got lucky and up early. Made this freaky hand drawing. Need to work more along that line: work the edges and check the space kind of thing. Kind of shamanistic Alaskan Indian or something. I felt, early in the day, like I was getting in touch with my psychic (psychotic?) side. Well, I know I’m not Edgar Allen Poe but it felt real in the sense of really being here, really being here now.

Then I managed to put hours in down by the river. The last cut, which was almost through, wound up breaking all the way through. The log had fallen away from the tree. A large piece above where I was chopping fell onto the platform I had dug out. Seems my judgement was right to not finish during the last session. That big cracked and split two thirds thick part of a seven foot section of tree fell during a rain storm instead of falling on me. And I didn’t have to work at getting all the pieces to the ground – they were down when I returned.

A nice length of branch was available within sight. I went and got it for use as a lever. I got another piece and chopped it in half for pivoting off of. The next three hours were moving wood toward the river. The two chopped logs, the two halves of the section directly above the break, and a pile of tinder and kindling and sizeable pieces for the next fire.

It was good work. Actually got some cardiovascular, panting and grunting and all. I took some pictures along the way and got back inside before dark and wondered what to do next. Telephone to the rescue, call friends and let the night progress. Did some work online looking about personal stuff, like last night, then finally went to bed late.

Day 20: Thursday, May 4

But still I woke up early, earliest in the history of the antFarm that a resident both woke up and stayed up. Now it was the day after the gluttonous extravaganza of log making and pushing. Now I needed to stay low and let the body recover. My tendon trouble wasn’t so bad as I’d taped it well before funning around yesterday. But today I need to get more cloth tape and anti-inflammatory Ibuprofen and groceries and essentials.

I’m washed, shaved, and dressed in my good shoes and button shirt before 10:30 (with loads of sorting accomplished along the way). Good bye red Lake Falls, it’s off to Thief River falls… better selection and all, plus, that’s where the driver was headed.

So Glenn’s brother Lou took me with him on errands and I had a civilised day. The hghlight was "pizza buffet" at Danny’s. Pretty good actually, I even ate a lot.

Then on the way back, Lou explained to me bits about soil erosion and tillage and drove me around the back side of a few roads I might not have seen with only wheelchair pushing for quite some time. Plus my eyes were more that 4 feet off the ground, in the pick-up and all, so I had a much better look at the fields and surroundings than I have had since Mr. antFarmer Glenn left me here 18 days ago.

Now it’s late and I’m gonna get some more wood then settle.

Day 21: Friday, May 5

Yesterday, Friday, I got up way too early and sat drinking coffee planning to run into town to hit the post office. I eventually decided it better to take a nap. The internet connection wasn’t working well at all, so I sat trying to get the dial-up to go through. As the day progressed I started making further plans regarding the upcoming New Hampshire trip and sat on the phone. This led to me calling parents and siblings because I will be going to see family after the Mount Washington Autoroad ascent. These phone calls went on for hours. I think I miss my family and also I imagine I get lonelier here than I actually realise.

Day 21, the end of the third week here, marked the return of Mr. AntFarmer, Glenn Schafer. Glenn showed at 11 PM, just as I was getting done phoning my youngest brother.

Day 22: Saturday, May 6

Today is the start of the fourth and final week. I’m a bit sore and a bit confused about leaving. I’m just starting to get into a rhythm and get things accomplished. Glenn will be here all week. Fellow founder Lars will be here at the weekend. I intend to leave Red Lake Falls on Monday and start my way to New Hampshire.

I started a new number drawing last night. Glenn and I went to the river after buckwheat pancakes this morning so I could show him my raft project. We brought a tent and a canvas tarp with us. We took some pictures setting the tarp up in different ways. Today Glenn pointed out a bald eagle in the sky. He said on my first weekend here that he had seen one in the morning. I’ve been waiting since then to write in the web log that I had seen one. The bird is large with graceful lines. The white head and tail are quite distinctive. I think I saw one at the Philadelphia Zoo as a child. Of course I’ve seen them in books and such. But here was one above me in the sky. I was excited.

Tuesday, Bluesday

2006-05-03T01:22:00.000-04:00

Day 18: Tuesday, May 2

DeQuervain's Tenosynovitis, inflamation of the tendon on the thumb side of the wrist. I didn’t realise that I was putting that much stress on my right arm. Or is it that I didn’t realise that I am a bunch more than 20 years old, twice that. Anyway, it’ll heal (hopefully)- ice, ibuprofen, splinting, rest. I tried rest today.

Further planning for the New Hampshire trip coming up in about two weeks. I now have transport and two days’ lodging squared away.

And then finally for the day 18 entry, writing by somebody else:

Be authentic with others and learn to state your feelings and your needs firmly.

Learn to handle confrontation and deal with other people’s anger.

Decide what you expect and state your minimum standard of behavior that you consider to be decent treatment from others.

Stop feeling sorry for other people and giving them advice, money or support.

Give up the need to be right and feel self righteous and superior to others.

When others overwhelm you with their problems, tell them you are not qualified to deal with such deep issues and suggest they get professional help.

http://www.angriesout.com/grown20.htm

Saga of the Epic Hero... short version

2006-05-02T03:49:00.000-04:00

Day 15: Saturday, April 29

Having doubts about this writing thing and my whole lifestyle in general. I need to finish up inside and get to the river.

(writing Monday night/Tuesday morning)
On the contrary from getting to the river, it turns out I needed tp keep picking away at things inside the house and get myself comfortable with the idea of Glenn and his wife, Linda, showing up here. I feel such a debt for all the goodness I’ve had by being here. I just wanted to make certain I had done my part to make them feel comfortable.

Then they showed. Linda and I did some boomerang practice. I landed it pretty close to me a few times and actually touched the thing in the air once. Maybe I have developed a slight bit of boomeranging skill. The three of us did some eating, and some drinking, and lots of talking on a number of subjects. We listened to disco. We listened to Coltrain and Bach. I’m certain that I am not skillful enough at whiskey drinking,

Day 16: Sunday, April 30

So here’s where my lack of skill, well actually good judgement, regarding whiskey drinking showed through. The antFarmers went to the Schafer colony for the Schafer antQueen’s birthday. I laid low till past noon and then read National Geographic till past 6. Then I read online National Geographic and a bunch of other neat and interesting online stuff till well into the morning.

Day 17: Monday, May 1

Hmmm, so this is today, huh…?

I feel good. I feel like it is all okay. My right wrist is screaming "Tendonitis!" from the thumb side of its mouth. I made it into town and back. I made it to the river and back. I cooked myself some food after getting back from town. I finished chopping out that second raft log from the downed tree. I built a fire in the rain with wood that has been getting rained on for four days. That took some determination and artfulness.

So back on Friday I wanted to head away from town an equal distance to go to Hewlet Park. I allowed the rain to help me excuse myself from that exercise. Saturday I wanted to go to the river and leave the house a bit more casual than I ended up doing. I allowed the rain to help me excuse myself from excusing myself from that exercise. I allowed the cleaning to help me excuse myself from the river. Sunday I didn’t really even require an excuse, but the rain worked fine for just in case I might need one later. Finally, Monday I put on my rain gear and went both to town and to the river. The funny part is that a downpour started and wet all my newspaper and already damp kindling just as I was picking up my bag to get some matches out to light the fire.

I don’t know if I’ve ever in my life put so much attention into lighting a fire. I did finally get it. And oh yeah, I was right. It is really hard to get back up the path from the river when the ground is good and soggy.

Every now and then a day is close to perfect and I just feel gratefulness and contentment.

Further Wanderings, Wonderings, and the Usual Underlying Angst

2006-04-29T14:34:00.000-04:00

Day 12: Wednesday, April 26

Well golly- now I remember what embarassment feels like.
It isn't my patience that gets in my way. Possibly there is a lack of proper discernment. What even does "getting in my way" mean? Instead of over analysing things I'll just say I was tired. My actions, my activities, my thoughts and feelings brought me past my comfort level. My day 11 commentary is symptomatic of my having become uncomfortable. I am imperfect. I need to remember to take care of myself.

The floor is swept. The laundry is on the line. I am washed and shaven. Tonight I will visit people and enjoy company- human interaction.

If and when I someday come to that hypothetical moment where the energy of life and the organisation of consciousness go away from my body, I wish to feel certain that I have helped more than I have hindered. I'd like to not be a nuisance at all but that isn't realistic.

Well, on into the future. Time to find out what the Sean, of the moment after this one, is like.

Writing, well typing, now on Saturday. Been mostly thinking the past few days as to how to write more clearly with less 'teenage angst' and more frankness and positivity. Or is it my style to write mostly about the internal workings of conciousness. Either way, I think what I'm posting should be worth the reader's effort.

Dinner was good. The strawberries caught my attention. The company held my attention. I hope I didn't talk too much.

Day 13: Thursday, April 27

Went into town again. Made it to the post office before closing. Been wanting to assemble and send a certain package for a while and finally accomplished that. Went to the library, got a library card and borrowed some books: astronomy, GPS navigation and writings about walking outdoors in Minnesota. Then it was off to the little shopping mall for provisios to carry home on my lap.

A box containing drawing stuff and paper model stuff arrived today. I stayed up late working at a drawing, refamiliarising myself with the intentions which had fostered the two-dimensional efforts.

Day 14: Friday, April 28

Rainy day, spent mostly inside reading library books and further sorting travel plans. Continuing with the drawing efforts, I worked on some computer spreadsheets which have to do with the initial motivations for the expression.

House things were further organised and slightly tidied. Mr. and Mrs. antFarmer will be here for the weekend. I hope I don't appear too slovenly to them, well Mrs. especially.

Day 15: Saturday, April 29

Having doubts about this writing thing and my whole lifestyle in general. I need to finish up inside and get to the river.

Truth, Beauty, Goodness... and a Sense of Lacking

2006-04-26T03:08:00.000-04:00

Day 11: Tuesday, April 25

Pork loin- not pork chop, the difference I know not yet. I guess the chop wouldn't be as easy to make right.

Friends- plans that friends have (those reading need not wonder if it is you I speak of), letting friends and acquaintances and loved ones and lovers... well gee but not g-whiz, gosh I mean; who is gonna be there looking down that tunnel of light as my brain begins to no longer accept signals from my eyeballs. 'Me' of course. Who else. 'Myself' of course. Actually 'I' will also be there also but that still adds up to "one".

So if I build a raft and try to go to the island I will make sure there is somebody around for safety's sake. But if I am trying to do something 'I' want to do then I should not allow other people's imperfection to disallow my activity.

Today was a full on "off" day. My thumbs were a bit shredded from yesterday's activity. My back and shoulders and upper arms aren't recovering quick enough with daily further work. Today was a full rest day. Computer time, and phone time, and start the fire extra early time. Past projects are further sorted. Future projects are further planned. God willing, I have less patience.

Monday Lovely

2006-04-25T03:15:00.000-04:00

Day 10: Monday, April 24

What did I do before 3 PM?
Half washed my laundry
Totally swept the floor
Unrolled and flattened some papers related to a 2-d project
Oh, I ate a bowl of cereal
Plus I did some piddling and puttering, but I don't recall any deliberate procrastination
Then I checked the mail

Which gets us up close to 3 PM.
I'm out at the mailbox around 2:30 or so, expecting to head into town from there. On the south side of me I'm all warm and toasty in the sun. The north side of me though is close to cowering due to the definitely chilly wind that my three shirts and jacket can't keep from affecting my skin. If there were snow on the ground that wind would make sense. But there are tulips blossoming on the antFarm. The buds on the trees have already given way to small and light green leaves. Never in my life have I sensed this particular superlative contrast.

Anyway, still before 3, I went back to the house, dropped off the mail and got two more layers to keep me secure for the trip into town. About two miles down the road a gentleman pulled his car to the side of the road and came across to chat with me. He said he'd seen me on the road a few times. He told me of the tornado season coming in a month or two. He spoke of a rare tornado on a north eastern route that passed his house a few years back. The big thing though was he said it would be in the 20's tonight. I explained I had two more layers in my bag. We shook hands and I continued into town.

I missed the post office but made it to the grocer and the hardware store. I met some more people, listened to some more stories, and learned more about the area. What is art and what is life and what is living. G-whiz- what is rhetoric. And where are all the question marks!

So ultimately the sun and wind and fields were beautiful once again. I got back to the antFarm, ate some sandwiches and started getting a fire built. When I checked the thermometer last time I went to the porch for wood, it actually was in the 20's. Sean, you're not in Philly anymore.

Sunday Post

2006-04-23T23:49:00.000-04:00

Day 8: Saturday, April 22

Day number 8, been here more than a week and I still haven't done a month's worth of stuff yet. I guess I did a week's worth though. It appears to mostly be little things: familiarising myself with the area and people and history some; seeing turkey vultures and deer and even a beaver; sorting laundry and belongings and recycling; getting somewhat used to the Apple computer I'm typing on; little adventures to the river nearby and town a few miles off.

It's that getting acquainted period where details are fresh and bright. Gosh but it all makes me feel kind of fresh and bright.

It's actually Sunday when I'm writing this. It isn't all fresh and bright. I was partly in a funk much of yesterday afternoon, thinking about big things such as career, accomplishments, relationships, et cetera. Eventually I got back to basics and gathered 100 bb's to help me count wheelchair pushes. I started pushing my way into town, Red Lake Falls, moving one of the little metal balls from one bag to another for every 100 pushes. There is a pharmacy, grocery store and beer store next to each other at the far side of town. I counted right around 5000 pushes from the antFarm wheelchair ramp to these stores.

Of course I got my typical late start, well not so typical as I knew it would be dark for the entire return trip. I decided to stop off at the local bar & grill, the Spot, to learn about that place and see about the possibility of getting a ride. It was a fun place with Saturday night live music. I had little trouble (well, there was a little) securing safe transport once I started expressing my need to those around me. It turned into a fun night out and eventually I got home and cooked some dinner.

Day 9: Sunday, April 23

10:15 PM, it's the second day of the second week here. I got back to the river this evening after an interminable amount of piddling and fussing and such. Actually I got down there an hour or so earlier than the last two runs. So I started chopping at the next section of the broken over tree. The cut is higher above my head than the last one. I got pretty well into the downhil side of the log but the uphill side is harder to get at. I wound up digging a sort of cut and fill platform to make a stable place to sit the wheelchair but everything is still at an odd angle. I should be able to get the rest of the way through tomorow. Then I'll have two logs to work with.

I'm having my doubts about the whole project: is the wood too dense and heavy; will I be able to maneuver across the river; should I be thinking inner tubes instead; should I be thinking watercolors instead of caveman art- stuff like that.

So I'm trying not to let common sense get too in the way. I'm definitely getting a good work out. I can see my apetite is improving. I like getting down to the river. I like chopping. I enjoy the animals around me. Building a small fire before returning to the house is becoming a ritual.

Now I'm back inside. I need to eat yet. The wash is still in the sink. The wood stove is waiting. All in all things are good. I am making headway. Maybe it's more physical than mental or academic but I am immersing myself in the antFarm. I am learning what it is like for me to be here.

The Best Game in Town

2006-04-22T01:50:00.000-04:00

Day 7: Friday, April 21

Hello again. 3:43 PM, mostly odds and ends so far- laundry, coffee, sweeping the mud I tracked in last night, emptying ashes from my favorite household appliance, some food, sorting recycling, unpacking, repacking, getting papier mache supplies readied up- stuff like that.

How come I woke up late?
How come I'm still in the house?
How come life is still just a-okay even though I'm not feeling much mastery over my suroundings?

Focus, right? Narrow it all down and be focussed, ...right?
At least 8 or 9 hours till bed time. I'll tell you how it goes.

Oh right- one thing I want to add about yesterday:
I counted about 4000 wheelchair pushes on the way into town and 4800 on the way back.
The way in I didn't start counting till 20 minutes or so out of the house and stopped just after passing the town border while on the way back I counted door to door.
I'll have to try that experiment again. It sure takes a lot of concentration to not loose track of what ten, hundred, or even thousand is being gone through.

Okay, over and out from the antFarm till after dark.

So it is late again. My shoulders are finally sore. I chopped out a pretty good log from the end of a broken tree. Guess I'll need at least one or two more like that. The upper end of this one was maybe two feet above my head. As I got about 3/4's through it, it occurred to me I had better be real careful I don't wind up underneath it. A bit of thought and a big old branch for a lever did the trick. Then it was almost dark and time to light another fire by the river. Wasn't quite as easy as last time due to yesterday's rain. It came together though- heat and light and all. The trip back up the hill was funny, I couldn't quite get why it was such hard work. It wasn't that big of a deal the other night. Between yesterday's trip into town and sorting out that log, seems I am working myself some.

So now I'm back in the farmhouse. Of course the woodstove's "on button" has been pushed. I did the dishes and cooked some food. The pot should be cooled down by now.

Plus I learned that 640 acres is a square mile. The antFarm is 0.311 of these square miles.

And Again Again

2006-04-21T00:25:00.000-04:00

Day 5: Wednesday, April 19

11:22 at night. The highlight of the day was a visit from Glenn's brother Lou. I read about continued fractions on the web. Oh, I tossed the boomerang some with Lou. Now it is getting toward midnight and I'm hoping to go to bed early-- as if midinight or 1AM is early. That will be earlier, earlier than 2:30 anyway. So hopefully I will get up earlier Thursday than the past few mornings. Obviously I'm taking my time here, settling slowly in. I did want to get in to town today as well as get to the river. Neither occurred. I did laundry and let the skin on my hands heal up further. Bit of a funk I guess. Didn't even think to make coffee.

So on the lighter side, it is quite beautiful here. I like the clouds and the browns in the fields. As it got later the sun shone through and illumitated the tin roof on the wood shed and the trees behind it.

Alright- artform stuff, body stuff. Ambition. Milk, cereal, orange juice, coffee.

Day 6: Thursday, April 19

Oh my gosh, day 6 already. Well, I'm up at a reasonable hour today. Coffee, yogurt, newspaper articles, laundry, and a small fire for warmth and recreation- that's the day so far.

Okay, 13or 14 hours later. I ate more breakfast. I better organised my stuff. In the afternoon I made the trip into town- about two hours each way. Ran into a pretty good rain storm on the way in. Three civilians and one sherriff stopped to check on me. One of the civilians was driving a school bus. That caring gentleman actually came back in his pick up truck to check up again. Appears I'm in a nice neighborhood. It is good to think you can count on your neighbors if the need does arise.

So back at the house I'm heating a can of soup on the wood stove. I'd have to start a lot earlier to get to both town and the river. Maybe next time. There surely is a long list of possibilities here at the antFarm. Seems the trick is in the picking and choosing part.

...soup time.

And Again

2006-04-19T02:00:00.000-04:00

Day 4: Tuesday, April 18

Today was less simple than yesterday. I swept the floor throughout the house. I did some handwash laundry. I set up meds at the local pharmacy. I started figuring out local public transport. I ate some deer sausage and green beans (and grapes). I did boomerang practice but never made it to the river. There were forcasts for a couple different sorts of bad weather today but of course they never really materealised. I did see a good amount of lightning off to the southeast.

Now it is getting late. I'm hoping to hit the river and do some more of this experimental raft building project early enough to leave me time to get to Thrifty White Drug before 5pm tomorrow. Doing both will allow me to work at artform stuff and also body stuff.

Hidden (in Minesota)

2006-04-18T14:42:00.000-04:00

Well, so much for Boulder, CO. Now I'm in Red Lake Falls, MN.

There is an artist's hospice sort of place here- the antFarm.

I'm the initial resident. I have 27 days to go and lots to try and accomplish. We have internet access here at the farm house and I'll be trying to log regular posts as part of my residency.

Below is the first of these:

Alright, this is the Sean O'Neill antFarm artform.

Day 1: Saturday, April 15

Glenn picked me up in Fargo, ND. That is as close as Greyhound could carry me from Boulder, CO.

We went for a beer and sandwich. Then we went to get me new tires and inner tubes for my wheelchair (and a boomerang). Then we got some beer and rye whiskey. Then we went to the grocery store for a few days supplies. Finally we headed back to Red Lake Falls, MN, to the antFarm.

We talked and ate and drank some that night and also had a "conference call" with Lars- another founding member.

Day 2: Sunday, April 16

We were up late so I woke up late (unlike Glenn).

More organising and unpacking and a bit of eating and then the wheelchair ramp into the farm house. The coffee was very good. Glenn had the wheelchair ramp construction well in control so I just did some further unpacking and organising and getting ready for the next month.

Mid afternoon we went to Glenn's folks' house for some of his mother's wonderful Easter dinner left overs. What a pleasant time that was, complete with about 12 members of the extended Schafer clan.

Back to the antFarm and a bit of four wheel touring through the grass and hills- down to the river and also over to the gravel pit (the "grovel pit").

The tail end of day two had Glenn and I working out the idea of lifting a pig farrowing shed 15 or 20 feet into the air and building a hexagonal spiral wheelchair ramp up to it. Late night sausage and green beans, further organising- beds and computers- and finally sleep.

Day 3: Monday, April 17

I got up at a slightly more farmer-like hour, well not really- the sun had been up for quite a while. The first thing I noticed was the big tree outside the window by my bed.

We did some laundry and Glenn made sure we got a clothes line hanging at wheelchair height.

Glenn did some more computer set up and I sort of puttered around, waiting to start my first solo day. Maybe it was a bit past noon when we shook hands and he started the six hours back south by southeast to St. Paul and Minneapolis.

So then it was me. A little personal maintainance, math exercise, boomerang practice, and paint scraping was followed by a look through each of the farm's building structures- graneries, garages, quanset hut, delapidated smithy, and more. I didn't find the hand axe I saw yesterday so I grabbed a double bladed full axe and headed to the river.

I'd been thinking to set up a wheelchair path from the house to the river. Now I'm thinking to build a raft and get across the river and build a camp on the island as well. It is spring and I am wanting to work out and get in shape.

Ultimately I did my first trek to and fro the river. I chopped at a couple fallen trees thinking about raft fabrication. I gathered a bit of dry grass and some branches after twilight. A small fire on the river bank gave me time to collect thoughts regarding the raft project and the path project and the purpose-of-my-being-here project. The headlamp my brother Tim gave me made the trip back up to the house more secure.

Climbing, Skiing, Dog Walking and Generally Noticing that All of 2005 is Gone and Already 1/12 of 2006

2006-02-06T18:45:00.000-05:00

Okay, February what? Feb 6? Monday? Okay, okay.

So two weeks ago I went to a climbing gym with another paraplegic guy and he was pretty impressive. I did manage more than one unplanned fall from eight or so feet up. Big crash mats made it safe. I wasn't sure it would be okay on the cripple-boy skinny legs until at least an hour of climbing and falling- but it worked out okay. Have to get back and try some more. I was shown plenty of interesting challenge not even five feet off the ground.

So one week ago I went skiing for the first time in sixteen years, first time ever outside the Northeast, first time on a mono-ski. Another local paraplegic got me out and got me set up. We did an afternoon run after the commute from Boulder to Breckinridge. There is an adaptive skiing program there. Turns out one of the upper staff was coaching (protecting and babying and teaching) me the next morning and invited me to some sort of week long camp thing back at Breckinridge next week. Hmmm....

So one day ago, well two days really, I had the dogs out and went back to Chataqua Park. I don't remember the road up to baseline being steep, being challenging. The gravel path in the park had been regraveled and was okay. When I got up top I decided I am not as fit as I was in October. Time to start thinking again about diet and activity- "muscle performance and recovery".

And the computer? And the cell phone? And the new glasses with no scratch on the left lens? Well, I toy with buying a computer and a few other things and see how quickly I can get the budget to turn obscene. And plus I don't commit. The cell phone? Procrastination seems like the proper path on that one, at least for now. The glasses? (and geez, what about the dentist appointment?) The glasses I like to pretend would be hard because I don't know my way around Boulder that well. Or is it because I usually don't leave the house till well past noon and I seldom have a plan aside from going to the library to look up addresses and phone numbers. and then make a better plan. Or maybe I just don't fell like sitting through a ten minute eye exam.

Vijay says go sea kayaking instead of rolling back up the Mount Washington Auto Road.

I say New Hampshire's Whites, Boulder's Foothills, some fourteener or other in Colorado, Yosemite in the summer, maybe Mauna Kea later. We shall see what does occur.

Minnnesota too. Minnesota soon. The Ant Farm, well actually the antFarm, awaits. More drawing, more reading, more writing. maybe some metal fabrication. Possible isolation, possible focus, possible fruition. We shall see.

Nucleation, Accretion, Bouyancy, Surface Tension, Viscosity

2006-01-17T16:36:00.000-05:00

So what have I been up to?

Well, honestly, I have not yet got the computer, the printer, the cell phone, the cable link to the universe, and a fat number of other sorts and types of closure.

I have been doing a little papier mache. Today I am not only thinking about bases and attatchment of sculptural form to rigid material stuff of universe-- I'm planning to go to McGuckins Hardward to buy cheaper larger quantity of white paste.

What about that weird and longwinded tilte up top? Well, another thing I don't presently have is television. Probably just as good, there is a lava lamp on the table whare the majority of domestic activity takes place. I can sit and watch the lava lamp for an easy 15 minutes petty much when ver my eyes aren't real occupied. Denser warmer bits of the less transparent liquid (l.t.l.) rise up in bubbles from the bottom. Some are warm enough that they fuse into the l.t.l. at the top of the lamp which is held aloft because of surface tension- i.e. since the l.t.l. doesn't share it's top side with the more transparent liquid (m.t.l.), it becomes energetically favorable for it to stay at the top of the container even though it is slightly more dense than the m.t.l. . Some tiny bubbles apear to get stuck on what may be minor surface imperfections inside the lamp container. Sometimes "strutcture" appears to appear as channels of the l.t.l. create stalactites and stalagmites which cling to the side surface and join together making a tube for the warmer and cooler portions of the l.t.l. to travel up and down the lamp. It all reminds me of that giant hurricane eyeball on Jupiter. Exactly how long has that weather formation been stable?

Anyway, I can sit there and think about thermodynamics and fluid dynamics and crystallography and soap bubble experiments from the early days of material science. I don't have to watch commercials and I don't have to flip channels. I still think that in a certain sense watching t.v. is a natural extension of some very ancient habit of staring at a fire. The lava lamp has light, motion, change, and even a bit of heat.

Existing

2006-01-11T22:27:00.000-05:00

So today is Wednesday the 11th, I think.

I have not had a problem with working too hard in a long time.

I have been shopping. I've done a slight bit of house cleaning. Some days I even shave. Oh, plus I walk the dogs sometimes.

I've started adding papier mache to bent and folded cardstock circles.

As well, I am the proud owner of a red oil pastel stick the size of my thumb. Right, and some oil based modeling clay. And a nice hand made cardboard art box. Gee, all these great things but I only have like one more new legal pad.

Still warming up to the notion of making the lap top purchase. Still most every day I wouldn't mind more.

Today so far was good. I had breakfast. I had lunch. I walk the dogs. I pushed some clay. I applied some paste.

Well, I've an errand to try before 9 PM and it's time to get at it.

Maybe Next Year

2005-12-29T19:46:00.000-05:00

I'm in Boulder, Colorado. Been here since December 8.

Somehow I almost never make it to the library to do internet stuff. Somehow I shop for a laptop but don't yet commit to one. Somehow I have no cell phone yet. Somehow I have been reading some. Somehow I have written- except for blog stuff. Somehow I have drawn and made three dimensional models also. Somehow I need to get this all to the next level.

Somehow it is pretty temperate here in Boulder- just beneath the Flat Irons and the rest of the Foothills. Christmas day was t-shirt weather. The walk was excellent. Somehow I think I feel my most healthy and comfortable and strong when I am half or two thirds the way up a long hill. Maybe it is simply that discomfort feels normal in that context. Maybe the effort and the surroundings take me away from my doubts, distract me from my demons.

So maybe there is some "something" to hoping that I do, within the near future, get this portable computer and get online without to much hasssle. Or maybe I can somehow get around those obstacles of self which leave a person frustrated and uncertain.

I am basically okay, just a bit restless. The passage of another year is being marked quite soon. To anyone who might read this I say congratulations regarding effort so far. Best wishes regarding the next thing and it's next thing and the next after that.

Righting

2005-12-07T10:44:00.000-05:00

Why write?
Why not write?

Another 7 days
Another 7 nights
Another day on top of that.

Here I am at the keyboard once again.

Not that it matters, nor that it doesn't- not even that it is wrong or right.

Back to the airport tomorrow. Back away from home.
What is home
and what is respect
and what are bonds
and what ever even is separation
and what could be together, intimate, not alone.

That last sentence isn't really a question but a statement of self assessment-
not conclusion just weighing,
observing,
looking at my me and how I place me amongst the others whom I hold dear.

Forty Two Days and Forty Two Nights

2005-11-30T20:00:00.000-05:00

At my brother Tommy's key board in the south east corner of Pennsylvania.

I'm just back from Minnesota's Red Lake Falls. There is space there.

I don't even know what to say at the moment. I have been writing and scratching on legal pads for the largest part of a week. On Friday I helped make sausage. On Saturday I welded steel and helped make a large aF. Back on Thursday I sat with a great group of people for dinner and company. I guess I could say a lot.

More soon.

Turning

2005-10-19T20:49:00.000-04:00

So it is Autumn in Boulder, Colorado.

It is Autumn in Philadelphia. It is Autumn in North Conway. It is Autumn in my mind.

It is time to turn a new leaf so to speak. The Aspens in Boulder and vicinity are passing through an excellent golden yellow. I'm thinking the sycamores and maples on the other side of the country are getting or gone vermillion and other neat words for red.

The 25th of October is approaching. I will be back in the Philadelphia suburbs soon deciding what exactly to do with myself now. Lately I've been enjoying creature comforts and trying to begin to digest all the activities of the past three months or so.

Things to read, things to write, expressive energy to apply in some way- some way beside simply physically pushing up some incline from low to high place- something more cerebral but still to do with lifting, lifting up: up-lifting.

Quickly

2005-10-08T19:53:00.000-04:00

I'm back in Boulder, Colorado, at the library computer with about 80 seconds to write something. The El Cap trip was excellent- 7 days and 6 nights on the side of a very big rock. I hadn't been aware that I can be so rattled by height!

Mostly the experience feels like a dream. It was so very different than most anything I'd ever done. I expect the scenes and happenings from that rock will filter back in over the next while. There are pictures to load to the Kinetics page and more to write.

Hopefully soon.......

Climbing

2005-09-27T11:33:00.000-04:00

Writing this in the Lower Pine campground in Yosemite Valley California.

Have had very little access to the net since entering Yosemite 7 days ago.

Have seen many large conifers in the past week. There are wonderful broad leaf trees as well.

Then there is the rock. The Valley is framed by massive granite walls. This rock is grand. One big chunk is known as El Capitan.

Staring at El Cap is captivating. The giant face is rich in mysterious detail. It is mesmerising in a primal way.

Today, Monday, we begin our ascent of El Cap. The team leader, my brother Tim, tells me it will take 7 days. There are two other climbers travelling with us -Ammon and Cedar.

Although there are many things going through my mind, I am mostly just trying to stay low key and maintain patience. I am anxious to start.

There is no dial up or wireless on the wall, but I will have wait time while the crew fix lines for me to pull up on.

Yesterday's News

2005-09-17T17:03:00.000-04:00

Today is Friday. This afternoon I went back to Chautauqua Park. The gravel road was as before- doesn't seem steep to look up, but the grade is impressive when looking back to where I came from.

The top of the gravel road came more quickly than I expected. Sooon I sat again at the shelter, realising I had come up a good height.

Last time up here I climbed the trail leading to Flat Irons 1 and 2. That trail led me to rock quasi-stairsafter about a half hour. Today I took the Roayal Arches trail which leads to Flat Irons 3 & 4.The trail is pretty rocky, but I didn't get completely stopped by any obstacles. All rocks eventually allowed passage. All slopes remained bearable. And hour and some into this Royal Arches trail the Flat Irons were getting very large. The sun though was not only behind the Front Range, at this point it was past the hidden horizon as well. Twilight was upon me. It was time for descent.

Again I swooshed down the loose gravel road slowing as a skier does at the turns.

Last time in the dark at the bottom I spoke with a retiring couple. We spoke of the addictive quality of hill climbing.

This time in the dark at the botttom I spoke with a younger couple. One of the two offered me most of a Chinese food platter. At first I said that I was fine. Quickly I realised that I was on my way alone to find a place to purchase a meal. I accepted the offer and stayed to eat and converse.

The next chapter starts Sunday or so. Soon my brother Timothy, his friend Raul, and myself as well will be leaving Boulder in Colorado and heading to Yosemite in California.

The wheelchair won't even be in the picture for this California incline. No 300 feet vertical gain per mile. Not even 700 feet of vertical gain per mile. This time the vertical gain will be almost in coincidence with the distance traversed. This time the hill is called El Capitan. Although "El Cap" is fairly smooth, it is quite far from graded, groomed or paved in any way.

Busting

2005-09-13T22:08:00.000-04:00

So back probably a week or so ago I contacted Pikes Peak Highway and they weren't very receptive to having their road available to me. Maybe I entered the phone conversation awkwardly. Anyway, it didn't appear to me that it would be pleasant to go try Pikes Peak.

Enter Mount Evans. Well Mt. Evans has been here and has been suggested to me a number of times. I think it's 14,230 feet, a 4600 foot rise, 14 miles in length. I know it's the highest paved road in the USA.

Today was the day. Oh well but maybe I was up pretty high and we had a snow storm threatening to ice over shut us down around 1:45. It was pretty cool. A park ranger employee named Kristen came to rescue Raul and I and save us from the long, cold, possibly treacherous walk down. There were two bicycler guys from Denver already in the park vehicle. Their hands had gotten too cold to work their brakes on the way down the hill. We were a mile and some yet from the top, but the observatory was looking close.

With a bit of grace, everything worked out fine. We'd started before 7. Corey, the third team member, suggested later that it is important when going in mountains over 12,000 feet to plan to be getting lower by 1 or so. Like trying to roll to Brainard Lake, an earlier start will be necessarry.

New Entry

2005-09-10T18:58:00.000-04:00

Saturday, at the Boulder Library writing more.

I've been exploring Boulder and it's outlying hills, a portion of the Front Range.

There are many long hills to try, many steep as well. Feeling often like I'm not doing enough with the opportunity. Basically it is screaming at me: Climb, Climb!

This past week I took a day with car assist to check out Rocky Mountain National Park. There are loads of hills there, some nicely paved, others for the eye. I'm borrowing a bicycle trailer to see if I can maybe carry a tent and stove and such inside the park.

Another day the past week I pushed my way from Boulder to Ward, a distance of maybe 17 miles and hill climb as high as Mount Washington. I need to get up early and roll past Ward to Brainard Lake and Long lake- another five miles in length and a total height gain around a mile.

There are great dirt roads and harder mountain bike type trails to try. The trail past the top of Flagstaff Road going to Green Mountain appears a bit rocky and I'd like to take someone along to spot me.

There is daylight till past 7. I am going to Chautauqua Park which is at the base of the Flat Irons- a group of large slabs overlooking Boulder.I think Raul will be going. I went through the park the other day and saw trails going toward the bottoms of these.